I did not need an ultrasound to tell me that this newest creation was a girl.
But I when medical technology confirmed an intuitive hunch, I became frightened. I was afraid that I would do her harm. So afraid that I would fail to give her the courage and strength she needed to become the woman that I was not. I wanted her to be loud. I wanted her to be discerning, inquisitive, trustful and trustworthy. I wanted her to be true to her self. I wanted to make sure she harnessed her inner wisdom. And while I was unprepared for her wild and fearless nature, I am so very happy.
She wears cowboy boots that are two sizes too small and refuses to take off her ladybug wings.
She licks the floor, burps at the dinner table and eats with her hands.
When she is happy, she nuzzles my neck and whispers, “mommy.”
She is sugar and spice, everything nice and a whole lot of things I was not as a girl.
I used to pretend that I was embarrassed by her lack of manners, the way her joyous screams pierced the air, or the way in which she displayed her defiance: furrowed brow, shoulders hunched and a quiet “no.” But the truth is that I am so proud. By society’s standards she may not behave the way in which little girls are supposed to, but I believe her spunkiness and her offbeat ways will serve her well as she gets older. The challenge for myself is to encourage her to continue to live out loud, in full color, as big as she needs to be.
But how do I do that? How do I teach her that it is okay to rebel against convention when it feels right in her soul? How do I teach her that while she must respect others, she must above all else always respect herself? How do I teach her that no dream is too foolish? That dreams and desires are the soul’s call for a better way of life, a reminder that she is worthy of receiving blessings from the Universe? How do I do it?
I do it by being and knowing these things for myself. I must be the one to show her and walk in the ways of the wild and wise woman. I must forget my past self that dimmed its light, that starved itself in order to placate. I must challenge authority, feed my soul, be a warrior of self-love, answer my own soul’s call.
I must live and be me, unapologetically, so that her unbridled, loving, fiery soul may also be free.
Together, we will walk wild.