Waking up

Guest post by Catherine Just for Oh, these Wild Women: Stories from the tribe

I am certain… absolutely, positively certain that when I am asleep I am suffering. I’m not talking about the dream time at night when it’s time for sleep. I’m talking about the awake time, the day time, the here and now time. For many years I didn’t know the difference between being “asleep” and being “awake”. But I can assure you there is a big difference and it makes a huge impact on how my day will go and how I will feel inside as a result of these two choices.

When I’m “asleep” I am on auto-pilot. I react to what other people are saying and doing. I take things personally. I am controlling and push things that I think need to happen into being. I feel fear, anxiety and overwhelm and I react in high gear. I have huge expectations of others around me and when they don’t do what I think they should do, I feel pain.

An example of this happened many years ago, but I remember it as if it were yesterday. When I was in college, I dated a guy who was so mysterious, talented, quiet, beautiful… you know the type, right? I mean, losing sleep over how gorgeous he was. Tripping over my words to impress him. Trying to wear the right things to catch his eye. Well, we dated for a short while and then one day he vanished. No call, no note, no nothing. I was panicked, heartbroken and in deep turmoil. I knew he was still around. He had been spotted at the coffee shop near my house where we all hung out. I kept calling and calling and still nothing. You know what nothing brings to me? Obsession. I took this so personally it affected me deeply.

Ten years later I had moved to Portland, Oregon and was spending time with some college friends who lived there as well. Guess who showed up? Yep. Him! He had just moved to Portland and neither of us knew that the other was there. Oh. My. God.

He apologized for being aloof and not being able to tell me that he just wanted to be single. He said he didn’t know how to communicate back then and now he wanted to be friends. We started to go to art galleries together, dinner, movies, and just be really great friends. But then, he asked if we could date again. Against my gut, I agreed. It was really amazing and we had such a great time together. We had so many things in common and enjoyed each others’ company. One day he went out of town for a business trip. I was so excited for his return. On the night he got back I went over to his place for dinner. Something was different. He was acting detached. He wasn’t really as connected as he was before he left. I had a flash in my mind that there was someone else. I asked him and he said no. But the night just felt odd. I went home and then…guess what happened? I didn’t hear from him. For weeks and weeks. Same scenario ten years later!!

I could have kicked myself. I was devastated. Crushed. Humiliated. In deep despair. I really wanted to be with him. Where was he? How could he do this to me? Again! I can still feel the anxiety and sadness come up as I type this. It was a very hard time for me.

It felt I had reached an emotional bottom. That deep dark place of suffering that seems and feels endless. What I notice for me is that it takes this type of pain to encourage change or to try something new. It takes this absolute crushed feeling to try something else. I needed to admit complete defeat.

This place of defeat opened me up to willingness. It was the key for me to unlock the door of possibilities and for me to “wake up” and be aware to what I was creating. I started to look into spiritual practices from around the world to find whatever it was that was missing. Some resonated more for me than others. I dove into some full on and out of others quickly. The main thing I learned was that I had to take responsibility for my part of the scenario. I had to admit that I created my own suffering. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t the other woman’s fault. It was mine. I chose to date someone that mirrored back to me how I felt about myself. I never really felt worthy of him. I didn’t believe in myself. I felt less than. He showed me exactly how I felt about myself. He wasn’t available. He was distant. He wasn’t able to value who I was because I didn’t value myself.

Once I took a good hard look at this and admitted my self-sabotaging beliefs around this I saw immediate relief. I had to believe and know with my entire being that I was valuable for my life to mirror back to me this same belief.

Today, 10 years later, my life shows me clearly how much my beliefs have shifted since that day I was willing to change. Awareness, Willingness, Honesty, and taking responsibility aren’t always easy! But the results of the inner process has made such an impact on every area of my life. Sometimes I fall back to sleep and when that pain comes up again I know I have tools and choices that make all the difference in my every day experience. And for that, I am grateful.

---

Catherine Just is an award winning photographer with a passion for helping others achieve their dreams. Her photos have been published on the cover of National Geographic Magazine and inside Oprah.com.

She leads Soul*Full Retreats and eCourses for women merging creativity and personal growth.

Find out which one is the best fit at http://www.catherinejust.com, and follow her on Twitter @Catherine_Just.