Vows

Free Pretty Pink Flowers for Mother’s Day Creative Commons, originally uploaded by Pink Sherbet Photography

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about vows. My husband and I have been separated for more than a year now. As we make decisions about the direction we’re choosing to go, I’ve revisited my thoughts on my approach (and his) to wedding vows.

I’m going to be honest. For me, choosing love and marriage was a very scary thing to do. There was an enormous amount of beauty and growth behind that choice. My experiences of marriage and relationships, should I have chosen to use them to make my choice, would have sent me running in the opposite direction. Looking back, my focus was on choosing to marry, period. In my head, that was monumental and enough.

I did not write my vows. I stood in a county courthouse and listened as they were read, decided I agreed with them with thoughts like of course I will and of course I won’t, and then said I do. I understood them on an intellectual level. I understood them on an emotional level. But, I did not take time to dig deep. I didn’t think about the way I could have had a say in the vows I took, and then, I took them for granted. I did not allow myself to let them sink in, take root, contribute in a significant way to the foundation of my relationship, the ups, the downs. I did not see them as a map of markers that could be used to bring us back to each other during the hardest moments.

I didn’t live my life from a soul-centered, essence of myself kind of place back then and I can’t do anything to change the way I once approached my vows. That said, I now recognize the need for effort and a strong desire on my part – a willingness and commitment to going beneath the surface when it comes to making a promise. I recognize the need to check and see if the things I call vows come from a place to that is authentic and mine.

Attention to this topic also shows me there is something else to consider:

What are my vows to myself?
Do they go deep?
Do they reflect and support my truest nature, my spirit?

I have taken the time to identify my values. I have quieted my mind and pulled from the strongest parts of who I am at times. I have, over the past few years, gotten much clearer about the work I am pulled to do in the world. I’ve taken major leaps. I’ve gained a better understanding of what I will not tolerate anymore. But, I haven’t made vows in a way that feels intentional. I haven’t, but I want to. I want to take my commitment to myself and my life further. I want to dig deep and plant my vows in rich soil. I want the roots to be strong enough to hold in the worst of times. I want a garden of go to’s, a map of vows that can’t be bulldozed out of existence, waiting for the next best thing to take their place. I don’t expect them to rid me of the challenges of being a human being, but I do expect them to function as a source of light when I feel uncertain or forget my way.

These are the kind of vows that ask for some silence, time, and ceremony. They are things that are a part of us, already whole, waiting for our time and attention.

I know that one of my vows to myself is fidelity as I have paid dearly for not being faithful to myself. I think fierce compassion and the closest I can get to unconditional love are two more. But I’m not rushing into this just as I’m not going to withhold patience and clarity as I consider my marital vows. I’m making space, I’m getting quiet, and I’m listening for what is true. This is sacred stuff, I think, and I invite you to walk with me as you consider the vows you have made or not yet made to yourself. Where are you in this place of promises? Where do you want to be?