So many times in our lives when we come up against something really tough, something that draws us to our knees or causes us to crumble to the ground, we do our best to work through it, to manage it or to shuffle around it the best that we can.
And sometimes we find that we didn’t heal all the way through. That there is a remnant of sadness, that gets left behind. You may move forward, you may feel “better” but then one day, in a breath, you find that the little piece of sadness has been with you all along.
In that moment it catches you off guard and takes your breath away. You may swirl back in time, to when the sadness occurred, or you may wonder what it is that remains, that needs your love and attention. You may feel a strong desire to run, to dig it another grave or to pretend that it never existed at all.
But the best thing you can do… is to sit with it. To make a cup of tea, give it some time and a voice. Let it say all that is has to say. There may be late night conversations or afternoon chats. There may be tears over dinner or sobbing in the bathtub. Once you can befriend the sadness, and only then, can you really heal it.
Let it be a tool, let it teach you more about yourself. Let it tell you about the tears and the struggles. Be tender and kind and gentle with you both. Write out what it is that the sadness says to you, write until you can’t. Sing it out, at the top of your lungs or in a small soft voice. Use the sadness so you can get to know YOU even better.
We are taught to “put on a happy face,” “to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps,” or to simply “move on.” But I think there’s more power in sitting with the sadness. Allowing ourselves to feel the pain, to learn all that we can from it and then to begin to sit with others in their sadness too.
It doesn’t mean getting stuck there. It’s sitting with the sadness, not in it. It’s not letting the sadness control everything or consume us. It simply means to meet the sadness where it is, to let it say all that it needs to say. So that then, and finally then, you can release it and fully move onto the other amazing things that lie ahead. Think of it as making a space for more. More love, more peace, and more life.
Thank you, Alicia – your post is beautiful and wise! This sentence really grabbed me: “Use the sadness so you can get to know YOU even better.” < so true!
Love that you differentiated between sitting with the sadness and getting stuck there – and mostly LOVE that you draw us in to honoring (I think that's what listening is) our sadness (all of ourselves, rather than just the more socially acceptable parts).
Wow! What timing! I had one of these days yesterday… I did sit with it and waited… and I did learn more about me! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for this reminder. I suffered a miscarriage on 11/11/11. It was devastating, but I also had a toddler to care for & a husband in the hospital with pneumonia, so I pushed the grief aside & took care of my family. My due date would’ve been next week & I’m finding myself in some teary moments lately. Thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to give myself up to those moments & fully experience my sadness.
So, so, SO true. There’s something powerful – or maybe just empowering – about allowing our sadness to simply exist. Not necessarily wholly indulging it, but not pretending as if it doesn’t exist either. I think sometimes all it really wants is to be acknowledged. Sometimes that’s all it takes to heal it, little by little.
A lovely message. Thank you. =)
I completely agree on “allowing ourselves to feel the pain, to learn all that we can from it and then to begin to sit with others in their sadness too.” Thank you for this article.
Doing a guided meditation and an image that could have focused on happiness instead provoked incredible sadness – wrenching sobs of grief at where my life was. Instead of pulling back – instead of never doing that meditation again. I did make “friends” with it until I could understand the sadness and why that image was so hard for me. Sometimes you really have to cry. Being strong for everyone else in the moment is what we have to do sometimes but we need to let ourselves have those tender moments too – scary and painful, but needful.
Beautiful Alicia, absolutely beautiful.
Thank you, Alicia. This essay is a true gift today, as I got up and just, I don’t know, can’t get going, have no energy, and (I think) feel a profound sense of sadness about how my life is. I am going to sit with this and see what it tells me.
Needed this so very much. Thank you.
Just beautiful , poignant and right on time. There seems to be a convergence of many of us universally to be working towards seeing both shadow and light equally, it is the only way to be whole.
I know there are whispers Im not giving time to , words that need to be seen & out of my core, small chinks that want to be unknotted. Its not easy & it brings us to spaces that others want to iron out in us quickly, for they may not be able or ready to see their own shadow (I need to learn to be OK with that too) . It is a must though, I know it is, the more its left unseen the more it pervades and calls.
Like Lacey says , it just needs a little acknowledgement.
Heres to more love and light
x
So timely. So, so timely.
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[...] learning how to sit with my sadness because living an authentic, true life that embraces all experiences doesn’t mean being happy [...]