I followed you in the grocery store. You had your littlest in the cart and your two older ones walking along, bickering and causing a bit of frustration for you. I watched you. As I thought about what I would make for dinner, I couldn’t stop watching you.
Just the day before I had driven to this very store with all three of my kids and ended up getting them hot chocolate from a Starbucks drive-thru and turning around to go home. Never going to the store. I heard the whining and saw the grabbing from the shelves before it happened. I knew I would be mad at them by the time we left. We could wait another day for food. Grilled cheese for dinner, no vegetables, we would survive.
As I followed you, slowly piling some food into my cart, I knew that you were me. I was being given a moment all alone, to watch myself. We had some differences. You talk much less than I do. Your children had shiny black hair, mine have more yellow tops.
But the way you were just moving through, trying to get to the end. Keeping all the kids near you while accomplishing and never fully present to them or the task. That is why I watched.
I saw how tense you seemed. I tried to relax my own shoulders and neck and send some of that to you. And back to me.
Your were me and I wandered through the store listening for sounds from myself, wanting to know more. Eventually I moved ahead of you, no kids at my side, fewer groceries left to pick out. I paid and left the store.
My rare moment of being only with myself and my own thoughts beckoned me to the Starbucks drive-thru once more. This time for myself. I ordered a decaf tall soy latte, no foam. I love foam but these days a latte seems to come delivered as a cappicchino. So I play it safe, and still get plenty of foam. This is my little treat, a calm moment just for me.
You pulled up behind me, I heard the kids, forgot for a moment they weren’t mine. Minivan to minivan we sat there. Maybe you were there for hot chocolate and a little treat for yourself, a moment of pleasure in the chaos of the car.
I pulled off with my latte and wished it was bigger. I wanted to stretch that moment further, to increase the sips of sweet coffee and keep the calm I felt inside as a reminder that this was the right choice for me. Taking time to be with myself. I’m learning this new term. Not by myself, always with myself.
I want to be present when I’m putting lemons and yogurt into my shopping cart. I want to relax my shoulders. I want to hear the giggles when the kids get their hot chocolate, even among the chaos and chants of “I wanted a bigger size!” Oh, and yes, I want to live in my truth.
Imagine the chance to follow yourself. To look into your eyes and see your truth. Would it bring you back to your deep longings or greet you with joy?
I am on a journey towards being mindful. Walking into that store with my kids would have been choosing against that, at this stage in our life. Making grilled cheese and not worrying about granola bars for the morning and steamed broccoli on the side was where I found that place close to mindfulness. Finding space to go to the store with myself, moves me in that direction.
Imagine seeing in this very moment, you.
Can you see your deepest desires? Is that one thing that is getting in the way of you living in your passion or being the best version of yourself showing through? We spend so much time worrying about how we will get to where we want to be.
Where are you now?
See yourself. Fill in the blank. That first thing that comes to mind, that is the one.
If only I ____________________, I would ________________________
If only I could stop losing my patience with the kids, I would be living more truthfully.
Now you get to flip it.
Living more truthfully allows me to feel calm and patient and present when I am with my kids.
Feel it. Let it energize you. Allow it to guide your choices. The rain and snow and wind guide our choices so too should the simplicity of our deepest desires.
Hold this as a mantra in your mind and heart.
Be amazing. Because you are.
Look into your own eyes.
Live in your truth.
I wondered what size latte my other self ordered that day. Did she choose a larger one to try to keep moving through the moments. Was it sipped or gulped? Was it hot or did it get cold before she enjoyed it?
Thank you for the gift of allowing me to see myself, I silently whispered. The quiet moments to watch and understand. I will live in my truth. Each day I will look into my eyes.
thank you for this Hannah, beautiful read.
Sarah, what a lovely surprise to see you here. Your site looks beautiful! I hope you are well… and thank you.
Hannah,
This has left me quiet and renewed. I’m on vacation with my kids right now, and have been thinking so much about this willingness to dive away from the present moment. Even here, where I am ON VACATION and have nowhere in particular to go, conditioning has me hurrying them up, moving them through, wanting to avoid some potential future encounter that may or may not happen. Every once in awhile I am stunned into a frozen posture — a glimpse of an ancient fortress, the light through the branches, a morning fog bank — and they notice me, then join me in silence. Those moments are the height of this trip.
I, too, am on this mindfulness journey. I send you support from across the ocean, and gratefully accept yours as well.
Love,
Amy
Oh Amy, the image of them joining you in silence is incredible. We hold so much power as mothers, and in the not doing there are so many gifts.
Have a beautiful time. xo
What an amazing, beautiful, challenging thought. I’ve been either gifted or cursed with the ability to see myself outside myself – kind of like taking a mental step back but more concrete. Those moments have been incredibly revealing, and I’ve changed my life’s course each time (sometimes little sometimes huge). Learning to be with myself rather than by myself is responsible for the way I see the world and the compassion I feel for others.
Oh Ellie, a blessing that is!
What an opportunity, to watch yourself (and good for you for having the presence of mind to see it). I think it’s such a fascinating thought. If I were watching myself, would I see the woman I aspire to be? You reminded me of a quote from Sister Helen Prejean: “I keep watching what I do to see what I really believe.”
Thank you for sharing this. Love this post.
Love that quote, thank you for sharing it here, so perfect. xo
Wow, thank you Hannah. That was truly beautiful. I found myself moved to tears as I saw something of myself in every line. I felt the pressure and impatience melt away as I flipped my statement and found a moment of profound truth. Thank you.
The flip is so profound and so simple. so simple. thank you.
Be amazing.
Because you are.
Thank you, thank, you, thank you for those words. They are exactly what I needed to see tonight….
I see myself, right now, and just know that I need to say “you are doing the right thing. and everything will be okay.”
Yes you are, and yes you will.
I have been looking outside of myself for the past few weeks and am so disappointed by my lack of patience with my own three children. This morning I wrote in my morning pages that my intentions for today were patience and presence.
I have realized that much of my anxiety and short-temper is a result of not living fully in my truth. Working to change this.
Thank you for sharing these words.
We’ll be on that journey together Alisha. xo
So beautiful Hannah, thank you.
mj.x
Thank you, I had a not so awesome parenting moment last night, this is exactly what I needed to sink into this morning. Love you so, this beautiful. <3
love to you!
this is absolutely beautiful.
LOVE you. so proud to call you my friend.
xoxoxo
~erin
I return that pride. xo
Oh I hear your message here mama. I hear it loud and clear
I hear you loud and clear. I read this and immediately had to write about it on my own journal.