This is what I want to know: How do you do it when you just can’t anymore?
I’ve talked about these things before — about being angry and transitions.
But what do you do when the anger’s abated, the transitions finished?
What do you do when you’re tapped out, emotionally wrung out?
I’ve been floundering and trying to fake like I wasn’t. I’ve been feeling lost and upset, sad and exhausted, and scared because of it.
I live with anxiety and depression. Things have been steady for a good long while, and it’s reveling I’ve been in it all. And if anxiety peeks through, that’s ok because I’ve got a handle on it. But it’s the depression that scares me, its darkness and lack of hope.
I’ve been creeping towards that the past few weeks — repairs on my house still haven’t started, there’s been so much back and forth between the insurance and mortgage companies, work has been increasingly stressful.
Normal life stuff, but on top of other things, it’s been hard.
I was talking with Amanda last week and I told her I was pretty much tapped out. After that I started thinking about things I’m doing — behaviors and patterns, and decided to identify the things that aren’t working so that I can ditch them.
Because the commute to work has been a mess recently, I’m taking an earlier bus so that the stress of being late is removed. Rushing around right when I get to work just wasn’t doing it for me.
Because I’m catching an earlier bus, I’m going to sleep earlier. Getting enough rest plays such a huge part in keeping me on an even keel.
Because I’m going to sleep earlier, I’m getting things ready the night before. This means packing a good lunch so that the meal is fun, a celebration of taste and texture. Good food makes me happy.
But what’s helping the most is remembering that all of the house and work drama will settle down, that things will fall into place again, that I will move back into my little house by the beach.
All of this will pass and one day it’ll make for a hell of a story.
And when things feel messy, I watch this video and listen to Dyana when she says “Yes, you’re gonna survive.”
you will survive from Dyana Valentine on Vimeo.
Sitting here in the sunshine, with good tunes spilling into my ears, and a mug of tea imminent, I can tell you that those changes have helped.
They’ve created room to breathe and to be honest, I think that’s what’s been missing. Room and space and breath.
<3 to you. Just remember to honor what you are feeling- don't dimiss it. Love yourself and support yourself and HONOR how irritating and difficult this all is and how you are weathering it, if you can.
Sending love right back to you! And yes, I am honoring every single messy moment in all this, the good and the not-so good.
Even when I want to ignore it.
Even when it’s the last thing I want to think or talk about.
Even when, even when, even when.
It’s teaching me lessons each day, this whole experience is.
I hope your day shines, Chel. xo
We try so hard to push against the yuck and when we embrace and acknowledge it, it just sort of starts melting.
I love watching you now in this melting phase and all that you are creating and allowing and breathing life into. Magic my sweet.
I don’t know why, but even after all of these years, I still push against it. I still try to ignore it — la la la-fingers in the ears-I can’t heaaaar you! style.
But it’s still there when I get tired of ignoring it, only it feels bigger and I feel smaller. I don’t like feeling small.
Thank you for being here, Hannah, I’m so happy to know you.
I love how you just laid this all out, your words have a beautiful sense of calm to them & that makes me smile.
Embracing the hard stuff, like you, Hannah & Chel said, can only help you heal, finding the good & holding on to that & gratitude.
This is one helluva story, that you will have lived through, making you only stronger.
So, the house may be fixed for the holidays? I hope so!!
Love you sister! You are grace.
PS Bless that shed!
It made me really uncomfortable to talk about all this, this wasn’t the post I wanted to write, but these were the only words that would come out. So, decision made.
The house should be all fixed… by the end of the year? I think repair work will start next week, oh I hope it’ll be all finished by the holidays! I’ll have a better idea on a timetable next week, but fingers are crossed!
Love you! Thank you for being an anchor for me.
PS. I’m telling you, that shed is gonna get so many flowers and candles and pretties on the steps in front of it. Just you wait!
Over the past few months, I’ve been dealing with the diagnosis of a terminal illness in a close family member. And I recognise some of the emotions I’ve been going through in the words you write, Jenn.
I know that for myself, some combination of being present- and future-focussed is helping me keep going in most of my life, and helping me be gentle with myself during the times I just can’t. The present-focus is being honest with myself about what I’m experiencing right here and now – even when it *sucks* – and then checking in with myself to figure out exactly what I need in *this moment now*. My future focus is remembering that I’ve been through a death in the family before and come out the other side, so, as you say above “this too shall pass”
I’ve always needed a *lot* of room and space and breath around me compared to other people I know (amongst my small group of friends, my need for “me-time” is legendary). But right now, I seem to need even more than I usually would, so I completely identify with the needs you write about in this post.
I wish for you an abundance of whatever you most need in each moment, whether that be space, support or any combination of the two.
Blessings – TANJA
I hug you. I see you.
Yes. Yes times a million. I’ve been struggling with my bipolar lately, and I feel like I’m empty of the real, non-bipolar me. I just have nothing left but the manic energy, which is unhelpful and unhealthy and even more exhausting to deal with.
What I find is that whenever I come to Roots of She on a bad day, there’s something there that speaks to me more clearly than anything else seems to. There’s a message there, and it sings of hope and growth and joy. Today your post has been that message of hope, and it’s reminded me that I need to look at my behaviours- not just in this moment, but in its lead up. I need to keep an eye out for those little signs that things are going downhill, and heed them.
I know I wouldn’t wish my depressive episodes on anyone, and with all my heart I hope your anxiety, stress and depression are short lived. I think it takes bravery and strength to write so openly about struggling with issues, and about trying to find ways to solve them. And I really, really want you to know how much you’ve helped me today. Even if you’re not feeling too great yourself, please know that you’ve been a bright light in the darkness, and I appreciate that so, so much.
Wishing you peace, and joy, and room to breathe.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this, as it helps me too. <3