This is what I want to know: How do you do it when you just can’t anymore?
But what do you do when the anger’s abated, the transitions finished?
What do you do when you’re tapped out, emotionally wrung out?
I’ve been floundering and trying to fake like I wasn’t. I’ve been feeling lost and upset, sad and exhausted, and scared because of it.
I live with anxiety and depression. Things have been steady for a good long while, and it’s reveling I’ve been in it all. And if anxiety peeks through, that’s ok because I’ve got a handle on it. But it’s the depression that scares me, its darkness and lack of hope.
I’ve been creeping towards that the past few weeks — repairs on my house still haven’t started, there’s been so much back and forth between the insurance and mortgage companies, work has been increasingly stressful.
Normal life stuff, but on top of other things, it’s been hard.
I was talking with Amanda last week and I told her I was pretty much tapped out. After that I started thinking about things I’m doing — behaviors and patterns, and decided to identify the things that aren’t working so that I can ditch them.
Because the commute to work has been a mess recently, I’m taking an earlier bus so that the stress of being late is removed. Rushing around right when I get to work just wasn’t doing it for me.
Because I’m catching an earlier bus, I’m going to sleep earlier. Getting enough rest plays such a huge part in keeping me on an even keel.
Because I’m going to sleep earlier, I’m getting things ready the night before. This means packing a good lunch so that the meal is fun, a celebration of taste and texture. Good food makes me happy.
But what’s helping the most is remembering that all of the house and work drama will settle down, that things will fall into place again, that I will move back into my little house by the beach.
All of this will pass and one day it’ll make for a hell of a story.
Sitting here in the sunshine, with good tunes spilling into my ears, and a mug of tea imminent, I can tell you that those changes have helped.
They’ve created room to breathe and to be honest, I think that’s what’s been missing. Room and space and breath.