The wish of a resistant teacher

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To all the dreaming creators and teachers reading this right now,
The writers/poets/musicians/speakers/entrepreneurs/artists and coaches out there.
The spirits living a human experience, who answered the call to their lifes purpose,
who are constantly challenging the “shoulds” of what an ordinary life looks like.
In both large and small ways,
and are teaching others to do the same.

You inspire me.

I see you. *yes, you.
I am inspired by so many of you.
SO inspired by what you are doing.
And even more by what you are creating.
What a serendipitous moment to declare,
that whether (or not) I ever have the opportunity to share my sentiment in person,
It’s important you know that I am grateful for your work,
And to consider this one persons request to keep going.

And to those who are being affected by their work,
The students who are taking steps, and discovering and uncovering, and exploring,
Who are transforming themselves,
In both large and small ways,
into the souls they wish to become.

You, are just as important as your teacher.

As it says in my studies of A Course in Miracles, “To teach is to demonstrate.”

Teachers give the greater wisdom…that is theirs temporarily. By their giving it, which means demonstrating it, students will grow to recognize the wisdom … in themselves, which undoes the inequality.
–
Ken Wapnick

There is no difference.

We are ALL teachers and students and therefore, there is no better and there is no worse.

It is a continual cycle of giving and receiving, without end.

I wish I could say that I have come to that conclusion naturally, or with ease, but alas… it has been the opposite experience for me.

Even now, as I read what I am typing, a knot fills in my throat, I feel uncomfortable at best, and arrogant at worst.

Admittedly, I feel a little embarrassed to share this with you, but what better place to expose my underbelly than with so many of those who also understand how our long time beliefs can limit us and prevent us from soaring to the heights from which we are destined.

That is, until we choose differently.

Well, I want to choose differently. But first I have to be willing to understand.

Up to now, I have believed the voice (that I spoke about in my earlier post) that tells me I am only student, not teacher.

The belief that I am no one to tell anyone what to do, to direct anyone, TO TEACH, has had its grips on me a long time now, and I feel resistance in and around what I feel I am being called to do.

I hear the voice telling me, “Who do you think you are… suggesting your way, your philosophy to others? No ma’am, you keep your eyes on your OWN paper and focus on what YOU need to work on.”

Maybe you do too.

I look out onto those I see who are embracing their call to teach, with a feeling of envy and longing, so I consider that by sharing it here, I am choosing to release myself from its grip, and step into a role I have felt called to, for most of my life. This ache to assist, to demonstrate is growing larger by the day and the only thing stopping me is this wonky belief that being a teacher means that I somehow, know better (or more) than anyone else, which has never sat right in my soul.

You want to know something funny? I have believed this voice SO strongly, that the name of my personal website, is an Italian phrase called Ancora Imparo… it means “I am still learning.”

Ancora Imparo has naturally become the cornerstone of how I live my life. Always learning, always working hard to understand myself. * I even made it permanent. (PS: I love my tattoo.)

When you believe that you are always learning, it makes sense that there would be no room left over to teach.

No wonder why I’m feeling this way.

Maybe it comes from a spiritual, outside of time and space understanding that no one is better than anyone else. Maybe from an unconscious knowing that to make idol of someone is to dim down our own brilliant light. *I see this happening often on the interwebs.

No, that’s not it.

It comes from how I received the lessons taught by my first teachers. I was raised by parents with the philosophy that they know best, and I do not. To “do as I’m told”. “My house, my rules.” With a firm right and wrong, even to this day. They kept their inner life at arms length from my sister and I, only revealing what’s at the surface. Being the sensitive introvert with extroverted tendencies in the family, I always felt what they were teaching, didn’t vibe with what was happening inside me. It was received as “Do as I say, not as I do.” and It’s clear now that because they weren’t the greatest examples for me, I went the opposite way, being the perpetual learner, afraid to step into any other role.

I have always had a “Question Authority” philosophy about me as a teenager (okay, even now); so it’s no wonder why I’m having some resistance being seen in any form of authority as an adult. HA!

To me, teachers are directors. They direct. If I did the math problem wrong, I would be directed to the right one. I would do it again correctly. Makes sense in things on the surface, math, geometry, English. But with the topics beneath the surface, how can I direct and at the same time honor my own knowing that everyone is where they are, for a reason, and when their willingness to learn is great enough, they will seek it out?

I have the same resistance to being seen as an “Expert”. I’m not an expert. I am a sharer of my experiences. Of the lessons I’m learning or have learned. Honestly I LOVE being a sharer, but not when it intersects with there being a right or a wrong way to it, when just when I think I’ve figured something out, it changes. How can I be an expert when the only thing that is certain is change?

I can share with you what has worked for me, but only you will know if that works for you.

Vicious cycle I’ve gotten myself on, eh?

Well, I want to get off.

For me, I feel much better calling myself a leader, than a teacher. I feel good about leading, often calling myself a pied piper, instead of a teacher. Why? Because it’s called “leading by example”, well my example is that I’m always learning, I don’t have it all figured out and so that’s the direction you would choose if you followed me.

Following the leader, the leader, the leader…

Meant I could choose to not follow whenever I wanted. I could get off the ride whenever it didn’t feel right to me.

And so could you.

In the past two years, since discovering my desire to be a coach, to find my tribe, I have felt the sacred energy of so many teachers around me, so in tune with his or her message, that the message is all I feel/learn/receive. It’s like in that moment, the teacher disappears. It doesn’t feel like a right or wrong, a better or worse, but a demonstration that it’s all the same, and that… is what I want to embody myself.

So here I am, facing this resistance, wanting to embrace my inner teacher and in doing so, honoring myself and my tribe.

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Let me just fast forward to the end of this posting, I am not leaving you with the solution to my resistance. I am only sharing with you the beginning of my journey, sharing what cards I am looking at and a DECLARATION that I am determined to find a way.

For my desire to teach is strong. I want to feel comfortable embracing the role. No, not only comfortable.

HONORED. HUMBLED. GRATEFUL. Even snuggly perhaps.

Instead of being just a sharer, I want to be a powerful demonstrator that the student has the same wisdom within them, and my sole instruction, or direction, is to lead them to that place where we meet in equality.

You know the Buddhas phrase, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”

Well this perpetual student wants to learn how to teach, and I am POSITIVE there are more than a handful of teachers reading this right now. *wink,wink.

I’d love to receive your wisdom on how you feel about embracing being a teacher.

There is SO much I want to do with my own tribe, but until I break the cycle of this resistance, lovingly step into the role that I feel I am destined to become, I am keeping myself chained to the desk and never making my way to the students, willing and EAGER to be taught, just like I am.

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