I’m on vacation in Maui as I write this. Life can’t get much better, right?
I’m sitting in the sun, listening to the ocean, surrounded by palm trees dancing in the breeze, drinking a fruity beverage. What on earth could be wrong?
My needs were being ignored.
Or more accurately my ability to get my needs met had gone missing in action. Poof, like that little white cloud in the sky that just floated by.
I noticed after 5 days of being on vacation with my husband and mother-in-law that I was ignoring my needs – as in, putting their wishes before mine – and starting to feel a wee bit resentful. Fertile ground for Medusa to make an appearance.
If you know me at all, you know I’m strong-willed, independent and quite outspoken. But somehow in this tropical paradise, I’d become a watered down version of myself, not taking a stand for what I wanted; as if this wasn’t as much my vacation as it was theirs.
Was it a touch of sunstroke?
Had the tropical breeze lulled me into a submissive state?
Or had I simply stopped listening?
You see, when Medusa takes over it’s pretty damn hard to listen to anything else and Medusa was more than a little frustrated with this unfamiliar state of wishy-washyness.
So I decided to get to the bottom of this trouble in paradise and put this question out to my friends:
I’m writing about needs. What keeps you from getting yours met?
And here’s what I got back within minutes. . .
- R.P. – Ha! Where do I start? I used to be great at this. I’m in whole new waters now – some days I’m head above water enjoying the view but at least once a day I feel like I’m drowning.
- L.R. – Usually myself!
- L.H. – Not being clear on what they really are!
- S.L. – Sometimes, it’s a lack of clarity, but a lot of times it just seems like too much effort.
- O.O. – Not having the balls to ask. Waiting for someone else to give me permission to service them. Denying they’re even there.
- A.R. – Risking the rejection from another if my confidence is low in a particular area…such as taking a risk by asking for deeper emotional intimacy with people either in a romantic or platonic relationship.
You won’t be surprised to hear these were all women. Not one man responded.
On the one hand this made me feel better, like I wasn’t alone in this weirdness that had possessed me. But it also made me mad; angry that we are so conditioned to put others’ needs before our own.
Somehow in my desire to create a great vacation for all of us (and just for the record, no one said this was my responsibility!) I was being over-the-top nice and accommodating, thus burying my needs way down deep. So deep I’d have to get out the scuba gear to find them.
Or so I thought until Medusa came to my rescue.
For that’s what she does that loud-mouth-I’ve-got-attitude-watch-me part of my Self. It’s never pretty when she shows up but she always shows up for a good reason. She spots the violation of my needs way quicker than I do!
This isn’t the first time it’s happened, nor will it be the last. That lifelong conditioning is challenging to overcome. But it is possible with Medusa on your side.
And so I find myself alone today. Mother-in-law and husband are doing their own thing together so that I can have the time to myself I’d been craving all week. As much as I love them, my soul needed the silence and space I’m now savouring.
It was uncomfortable asking for time to myself, like somehow that meant I didn’t love them enough.
And? I asked anyway.
For a moment, I felt selfish knowing they didn’t really understand.
That’s ok too, because then I remembered, it’s not their job to understand or meet my needs.
It’s mine.
Over to you:
What keeps you from getting your needs met?
And how do you turn that around?
“It’s not their job to understand or meet my needs. It’s mine.” This just started me bawling my eyes out, Sandi. Thank you for remembering this for me.
I miss you! Thank you being everywhere on social media and here and in my in-box so I don’t have to go into acute Sandi withdrawal.
Dearest Carol,
I cried too as I wrote those words. They seemed so obvious, but also hidden from my view for some time. And even though I’ve had the insight the expectation that they meet, or at the very least, understand my needs, has come up again and again. Amazing how it can sneak up and throw me off balance.
One more practice for me to make time for in my life. One of many, but they enrich my life in ways I don’t fully understand, so they’re worth the effort.
xoS
I just had a thought. Do you suppose this whole “needs thing” is a self-esteem issue? If I’m thinking I’m not quite enough, then do I think (albeit sub-consciously) that I don’t deserve to understand and meet my needs? And therefore I rely on others to do that job for me? Actually, much of the time, I don’t even realize I have needs because that’s the way I was raised.
Great question Carol. I’m not sure that there’s any one answer. As you’ve suggested I think it has a lot to do with social conditioning, ie: as the oldest sibling it was my responsibility to take care of my younger siblings, thus starting the pattern of putting my needs on the backburner.
I think this will be an area I spend some time exploring further. It’s definitely piqued my curiousity!
Hey Sandi, I’m with O.O. (oh,oh) – …Waiting for someone else to give me permission to ..take care my needs. Denying they’re even there. Siiiigggghhhh!
I’ve been enjoying your pics an posts.
Looking forward to seeing you when you’re back. Coral
Yup, I can relate to ‘denying they’re even there’. I was actually very surprised this came up while on vacation, but I guess it’s what provided the perfect set of circumstances for me to see it!
A work in progress I am. Glad I’m not alone on the journey
Gosh – I think maybe I could’ve written this post myself! I had a similar revelation this weekend while on mini vacation with my husband. We had spent the day walking the streets of Baltimore together and were ‘killing’ time between lunch and the evening show we had tickets for. We landed in Barnes and Noble and I actually looked at my husband and told him I needed time for me. We split and spent 90 minutes browsing the store alone. I had my hour and a half of peace and quiet to pull a book off the shelf and simply read for me. It’s amazing how satisfying even just 90 minutes of ‘me time’ can do for the soul. And it’s even more empowering simply having the confidence to ask! I hope you were able to relish in your own time and find the time for YOU on your vacation. xo.
Yes! Even just 90 minutes works wonders! And yes, I have been asking for and getting more me time while still on vacation. It’s been interesting, observing my discomfort at asking for what I need. I think the discomfort is about standing out as different, because it’s the opposite of what my husband and mother-in-law need. But in the few days since the realization, I’ve been able to more fully enjoy my time with them because I am getting more time to myself.
And thanks for sharing your experience. It’s good to know we’re in this together!
Perfect, perfect words as always!
The biggest thing that stops my needs from being met is waiting for permission from someone else to do what needs to be done to give myself what I need. But like you said it’s no one else’s responsibility but my own.
Love you!
It’s so easy to forget isn’t it? I have to admit some days I’d so much rather it be someone else’s responsibility! But ultimately, I’m happiest and most fulfilled when I meet my own needs. That is the practice.
Hi Sandi. I really appreciated this article. I’m one of those people that like vacation but often 2-3 days into it, I don’t feel like myself. There is so much group time and activities that “try to meet the needs of everybody”, that nobody is really satisfied. I think a part of it is letting go of the stress of normal life, but you bring up a valid point of not expressing what it is that we need to do to feel centered.
Thanks
Hi Craig,
How lovely to see you here! I’ve been thinking along the same lines all week. Even though I’m very sociable and an extravert, I find that after 2-3 days I feel desperate for some time on my own. And it seems harder to ask for this time while on vacation. Truth is when I get that time, I’m a much more fun-loving travel companion!
Glad to hear that with a little self time, you become that great travel companion. I’ve got a story from a 3 week trip to Egypt that seemed like a year where I was the worst travel companion ever for the simple reasons that you outline in you post. I”m sure my wife and your husband could swap some pretty good stories about tolerance.
Enjoy the rest of your break.
What keeps you from getting your needs met? And how do you turn that around?
I struggle with admitting them to begin with. Thus, I become swamped by them when the dam breaks. That the dam breaks is hard, for I struggle with feeling “needy” and a rush of needs {so much so that I have a difficult time name and caring for them} is a bit overwhelming and draining. But I believe I need this force, the sheer momentum to cleanse me of my self-denial.
In short, I’ve kept me from getting my needs met. In long, I continue to walk down the road of self acceptance, self appreciation, self ownership, and self love. It is quite the long road.
I’m new to Roots of She, and I want to say I’m excited to be here. Thank you Sandi.
Welcome Janae!
I can so relate to what you’ve shared. It often feels like the dam has to break before we can make a change. If that happens enough times it becomes the catalyst to start making new choices sooner.
One way to help with that is to ask yourself every day, “What do I need today?” and listen to whatever answer shows up. It may not always make sens or seem rational, but so what…listen anyway.
It’s definitely an ongoing practice!
God damn it, needs must. I had a snippy conversation with my mother recently, bless her, she didn’t deserve any of it. I was tying myself into a place of caring and looking after her, nurturing her health and happiness and denying my own.
And with grace and humility, I saw where the gap lay, in me. It’s amazing what can be achieved when we show up with our needs too. I over compensated, I over protected, I cared too much, I removed her responsibility. I died to myself. She knew it too!! We’re all back on an even keel after a hearty conversation, as really that’s all it takes.
Hearts just don’t seem to need the same understanding as heads!! Happy rest of holiday x
oh my God, sister from another mother!!!
I get snippy too (and my mother even uses that word! “Don’t get snippy with me young lady!”) and the resentment starts leaking out sideways in ways that are not so pleasant to be around.
I thought I’d become much better about my needs, but this holiday has shown me that it’s an ongoing journey. Can’t get too cocky now, can I?
[...] day came, even on vacation, when I had to face the truth that I had ignored my needs in favour of others. This was hard to admit, but once I did I felt a renewed sense of freedom and a [...]