Guest post by Amy Lee Czadzeck for Oh, these Wild Women: Stories from the tribe
I am overweight. Often, I am too ambitious. I wish I had more education yet I don’t know if I can add that to the day’s work. I need a vacation. And I just took one! I may live in the wrong town. I’ve moved my family 4 times already. I feel like I live in my car. I live in my mind. I don’t know how to be the mother I planned to be. I lose all ambition about 3 pm everyday.
My home houses too much clutter. There is no time for myself. I am not getting enough sleep. I have no idea when the last time I talked to my husband as if he were a person and not my house maid. I have been meaning to reconnect with the lost connections.
There is zero motivation in my bones to get moving. I have forgotten my values. I want to write more, someday. I am scared, rage filled, and sad because I am not where I want to be a lot of the time. I fear that I am messing it all up. It all feels sort of funny too.
This gnawing pain. The longing. The ache. The ugly that lives here. The doubt that lives here. The feelings that sound like “If only…I wish…someday.”
Not where you want to be?
Fill in your blanks ________________
And then with list in hand, together, let us let the impossible happen. We want to be where we want to be but we can not use magic. Nope, there’s something bigger then waving a wand here. May this ALL be much simpler than that. Let us be honest. Let us fess up.
I am a liar. I feel myself incapable. But it’s not that I am incapable of knowing what I want to do, feel, and be. It’s not that I am incapable of setting a plan to make things happen. It’s not that I am incapable of taking action. It’s the doubt, the worry, and the pressure that keeps me busy in LIES to myself and others. I am quite capable. I just haven’t been so real and admitted lately that things are getting under my skin, that I get jealous, mad, and sad, that things aren’t always so rosy and I am not always so loving and patient as my Facebook statuses portray.
There’s been a dark cloud above my health, there are moments where I want to scream out to everyone to know my pain, and the times those same people turn around and say back, “Hey, we got those dark clouds too.”
And I shamefully duck my head,“Oh yeah, you too? Now what?”
I am holding myself and you in a space that is forgiving, accepting, and open. I’m not sure how but it’s happening. Right now. Thank goodness. It’s a process and a practice to bring this conscious energy towards life.
It’s up to me to decide that I am exactly where I want to be even though it’s not completely balanced, perfect, or awe-inspiring.
Ok, okay, so again, I am late night spooning nutella into my mouth. Ok, okay, I have started ten new projects and abandoned all of them. I know me. I know this is actually a good place where I grow, learn, and feel odd but beautiful from. It’s up to me to actively ignore or engage in cleaning the messes I contribute in making. It’s up to me to either complain to and about the people I love or to let it all go and share with them my true love.
It’s up to me to say Yes and No and hopefully not worry what those answers mean about me.
I am exactly where I need to be.
I am going to ‘fess up. Again and again. Things are foggy right now. I am not exactly where I want to be. I am not exactly in a place of hell either. I need time to sort things through. I’m going to give myself, my brain, and my family time for me to do so too. That’s the realest speak I’ve spoken lately. It feels good.
What’s bothering you? Say it out loud. Admit it with no shame. Something is not working here. It doesn’t mean you need to do anything about it at this precise moment. It does mean that hopefully more sooner than later, you will give voice to that ache inside. This will led you to the next place you need to be.
Honestly, right now I’d love to have Pema Chodron on speed dial. I’m not capable of obtaining her number so instead I’ll finish up writing this blog post because I am capable of doing so. I am addicted to the need to quit, commit, and/or testify to the world.
But instead of that, I am going to take this as an opportunity to communicate with my other capabilities. I am capable of living through this fog, making it to my dreams in present time, and giving real voice to what the pain and the goodness is that I hold.
Join me in the surrender to self.
Amy Lee Czadzeck is doing nothing that can and should be summed up in this bio at the moment and loving it.
She hopes you will unwrite your bio one day soon.
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man. this hit me right in the gut – yes, yes, me too. love your realest speak. i gots the pain too and the belief when it is gone, all will be well, and also the doubt, the sometimes knowledge i am fooling myself.
one foot usually in front of the other, but sometimes sitting down to surrender and breathe.
This is beautiful, Amy. I love the wisdom and solidarity that comes from hearing someone else share what’s true for all of us — we don’t have it all together all the time (or even most of the time), and that’s okay. That’s actually what’s really great about this life — we don’t have to.
Thank you for sharing this!
Amy, you are so real. I can totally relate to your conversation. Personally, this time of year can be discouraging. This year, I am allowing myself to handle it gracefully instead of angrily. Blessings to you.
Thank you all for responding. I am thinking of it as I’m some bread dough and I need some time to rise. Thanks for being in the bake shop with me. : )