It wasn’t until I resurrected an old friendship that I realized that over the past few years I became a chronic apologizer. I apologized for every. thing.
Your soup was cold? I’m sorry.
You have a pain in your right side? I’m sorry.
You wish you had syrup? I’m sorry.
You forgot to pick up your clothes? I’m sorry.
Your left ear is longer than your right one? I’m sorry.
You can’t remember your sister’s birthday? I’m sorry.
But the real problem wasn’t just that I apologized for other people as though the errors were my own. No, the real problem was that I also apologized for being me. I apologized if I was tired, sad, mad, happy. I apologized for taking time to read, to write and to explore my creativity.
I had created a world in which I was the perpetual perpetrator, a world in which I did nothing right and everything wrong. It was no wonder I was constantly miserable.
One of the keys to my freedom this year was giving myself permission to stop apologizing. It is a still a hard lesson to remember, but oh so necessary if I want to live a life full of happiness and acceptance.
And you? What do you need to stop apologizing for?
Never apologize for showing your feelings. When you do, you are apologizing for the truth.
― José N. Harris, Mi Vida
Wow, wow, and wow! I could have written this post! This has been me to a “T” and I never even realized just how bad/wrong it is! Thank you so much for the opening of my eyes!
Kim, you are welcome. When you stop and think about it, “sorry” seems to slip out for almost no reason–especially when we really are NOT sorry.
[...] read a post today on Roots of She that smacked me across the face. The post could have bee [...]
wow, this was me for most of my life. my identity was based in deep shame to the point where i couldn’t see truth anymore. it can be hard to unroot those tendencies, but it’s not only possible, it’s necessary … and worth it. very excited for this transformation for you! <3
Thank you Rain. I love knowing that I don’t have to apologize when I don’t mean it. It’s so brave, when you think about it; no more cowering, no more shrinking. But you standing tall, owning yourself and your space, and being proud of it.
I cannot thank you enough for this. I posted the link to my facebook because I feel like it applies to me directly. This is who I am. I am sorry.
Thank you.
You are welcome Amanda. So glad it spoke to yo. xoxo
Beautiful truth Alisha!! I have also been a chronic apologizer in the past, and I am still working on “no apologies” too, although I have come very far with it. It is a slippery little sucker isn’t it?
It’s actually completely ridiculous when you think about it, isn’t it – it’s like saying,
heehee. Don’t you just love it when our minds get called-out on what they’ve been believing? Heaven.
“I apologize that the reality of my being doesn’t live to endlessly be a servant to your every whim.” or “How totally thoughtless of me not to live, every waking moment of my life, for your comfort and approval.”
Thank you for allowing me to take a closer look at this tonight! Another thing I notice we believe about it, is that we think by not apologizing to someone for something that it means that we don’t care, that we don’t love them adequately, that we are selfish… but how selfish are we believing that THEY ARE if we think they need our apologies? How much are we believing THEY care, or love us – if we think they need our apologies? As if they are not capable of taking care of things themselves, or getting their needs met elsewhere, etc. etc. As if they do not love us enough to cut us the very same slack we are trying to cut them. When I first saw this I saw how actually disrespectful and underestimating it is to the other person. And if they don’t love me enough to do so… that’s okay. It only takes one to love me right. And that’s me. That’s my job.
Love to you for this!
Ooooo Sunni! I had never even thought of it that way before but you are right: we do those we love a disservice by undrestimating their acpacity for love and compassion. Thank you for highlighting that!
I love this so very much! I’m definitely guilty of the very things mentioned in this post. I apologize for EVERYTHING. But this post was brilliant and so observant!
Never apologize for showing your feelings. When you do, you are apologizing for the truth.
― José N. Harris <— Such a wise quote!
I hope there is less apoloizing in your future.