A beautiful boat, a floating party of a ship, passes by. You see the lights, the fun, the chance to mingle, to see and be seen. Oh, to be on the boat! But you’re on the coast, watching it go by and feeling the absence of connection, the sting of having not been invited aboard. It seems to go by daily, if not every couple of hours. More parties, more fun, more of just what you want to be a part of.
From the coast you can’t be seen but the boat is an unmistakable silhouette of your absence and of what you’re missing. It feels like the boat was not only missed but dismissed you in the process. And it goes by and slips into the horizon, deep into the night. The air is cold and you are left again, standing in the shadow of your unseen beacon of light.
The past few months have felt like I’ve been watching from the shore. Colleagues, friends and partners have been gathered on the boat in contribution with pieces they’ve written, advanced book reviews, free VIP tickets to summits, as featured guests, philanthropic adventures, gatherings, lots of gushing … passed me by. We all know it, that sting of not being asked and overlooked. It’s easy to feel not only overlooked but even worse, dissed and dismissed.
I see this often being referred to as wanting to ‘be one of the cool kids’. I disagree. (I am the cool kid. So are you.) It’s about feeling connected.
We feel connected when people recognize our gifts and talents. We thrive when they thrive from those offerings. We shine and create light for others. To me, that is the feeling of being most alive, shining that light. “Our people” are both fuel for the light and recipients of its warmth and glow.
There’s a big emotional distinction and difference between being overlooked and being dismissed or dissed. Feeling overlooked can feel like your offerings are being dismissed, if not dissed. But that’s adding a wholelotta story and interpretation towards making a fear real.
So what can you do when that boat goes by?
Drop the story, love. It’s easy to invest in our own fiction but it keeps us from moving past it. It’s human nature to make up a ‘why’ (why didn’t I get asked? why didn’t she see me? why…) but it’s just a story. A good “so what?” may seem far less exciting to a sad heart, but really, so what? If the story doesn’t serve, it’s just trashy pulp fiction.
Bless their hearts! Maybe the one who didn’t invite or ask you has no idea just how hard you can rock it***, no idea the extent of your gifts or already cast others into the role. Maybe they forgot. We don’t know. But nonetheless, send ‘em a little love and move along.
Use it as fuel. It’s been the times that I’ve been overlooked that have lit the biggest fires under me. Tears and anger can show us what is important to us, what we really want. And being water and fire, they have excellent transformative powers. My greatest feats (*** and while I’m quiet about them, have been massive, epic and impressive, but those who haven’t been able to see me have no idea, yet) have often come from being really fired up about something that didn’t happen. Really, watch out. When I get in this space anything is possible. I bet that’s the same for you too.
Conduct a litmus test. Ask yourself, “Is that really where I wanted to be anyway?” The answer might well be yes. But often to our surprise, it’s no. The boat looks good but is it your boat? Your people? Or is there just some aspect of the party on the boat that would like to import into your own life? While it’s always nice to be asked, this is a chance to look and see if this is really the ship we desire.
-
Isak Dinesen
.
I was on a boat when I figured this out, leading 60 people on a coveted and beloved cruise up the Norwegian coast and I didn’t feel connected. My talents were in no way being tapped or put to any use.
While I was a good guide, my passion was teaching about the country, the culture, the language, and personal transforming through cultural inspiration and as a loving witness. But all of the things I longed to share and show people were out of reach because I was stuck on a boat. The country and coast were passing by, largely overlooked. This didn’t mean the land wasn’t worthy, that the villages weren’t adored, or that the natural beauty was diminished.
There is just as much going on along the coast and when we stop lamenting the boat we’re not on, we can turn towards it, enjoy and cultivate the gifts of where we are and notice the connections already there but previously missed while longing for the silhouette on the horizon.
While invitations are nice, they don’t define our worth, don’t mean we aren’t adored, nor does it mean the beauty of who we are and what we do is any less.
It just wasn’t our boat this time. And that’s ok.
Everything in this post resonates with me –
I’m going to read this again and again, but a couple points I’m going to consider having tattooed (ok, not really – ouch):
“‘Our people’ are both fuel for the light and recipients of its warmth and glow.”
and the 4 reflection points after “So what can you do when that boat goes by?”
Randi, I kinda think your boat, like your feats – is “massive, epic and impressive”!
(love that you figured this out while ON a boat!)
i have really felt this in the last few new years – having only published one book (by choice but still) in the last 10 years after all those others, and generally not being “out there” in the big way I was for so long… it’s hard some days to not feel passed by. But there is also something richer for the woman I am now coming into being, if I make space for it. Thanks Randi, good wisdom.
Wow, Randi, how did you get inside my head? This being overlooked thing has been my big (and only, I think) sadness lately. I’ve been skipping straight down to point #4 to find reasons to explain why it’s not my boat, but I think I’d feel better if I tried points 1-3 also.
Thanks so much for this beautiful insight! And, yes, Karen is right – how serendipitous for you to discover this realization while you were on a boat!!
Hugs and butterflies,
~Teresa~
I’m another one who feels like you just peeked right inside my head, putting words to my thoughts and feelings. Thank you so much for this…
thank you so much for these words today. it is always such a gift to be reminded we are not alone. (AND i love this invitation to let go of seeing it as “the cool kids” and more about connection.)
I love you. You are deeply insightful and a kick-ass writer to boot. xox
Interesting food for thought. I’ve had a whole month of incredible stuff happening in my life, which I’ve shared in my blog. I am sure there are a few people out there who’ve read it and felt the same way you describe. I think it’s easy for people to forget that part of that success comes from HARD WORK. It’s not just sheer dumb luck. Good stuff for the most part does not just fall into our laps. Some of it may, but not all of it. And then there is the whole other part of our stories-our challenges, our failures, our disappointments…it’s not all sunshine and kittens, even if it looks like it. 99% of the time, that success is hard won.
The best thing you can do is to acknowledge that feeling of “I wish it were me” and then BE HAPPY for the person who is having success. There is no finite amount of success to be had-someone else having some is not robbing you of the chance to have some too. Your time will come.
The way I look at it is that I WANT my friends to be happy in their lives. I want to celebrate the good stuff with them. I am a firm believer in you get what you give.
“Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” ~Voltaire
This post is perfect timing. The constructive way of improving my pity party really helps, too! Takk!
[...] heart listens to the place that calls her and the whispered cheers of soul-family Draw from deck = The Fool, originally uploaded by [...]
All I can really say is Wow! So beautifully written and so evocative of some of my feelings lately that it did something that rarely happens any more, gave me goosebumps.
Thank you for a well written piece that I needed to read in this particular moment.
Every time the boat passes I am immediately taken back to HS and wanting to be a cool kid too! To not be left out.
While I know it is about connection, it is so hard to drop that old story. And yet, even in HS I knew that I didn’t truly belong in the cool kids group, I was far too creative and ‘myself’ for that group.
Connection. Yes!
Beautiful reminder, Randi. Thank you. So many on the Internet create the “we’re the cool kids” groupthink, on purpose or not, by connecting only with each other, in public. Finding one’s heart tribe (or boarding one’s boat) always happens beyond the din.
Holy flippin’ Nora!! I can’t even begin to express how freeing I found these words; I just know they touched chords deep within me that hum and sang with the truths in your words.
Thank you so much for gently reminding us that it’s not about how many invites we get to soirees and launches and what-have-you, but how many connections we make with our right people and what those relationships REALLY mean to us.
Less flash, more substance. Less glitz, more light. Heartwarming, nourishing, radiant light. The imagery is so vividly poignant, I could go on and on!! Thank you for this!!!
[...] of the best articles I have ever read about how to reframe feeling left out, dissed, or dismissed. Randi Buckley is simply [...]
What a great reminder…. You ARE a cool kid
Now that you’ve started writing, the world is never going to let you stop. What power and wisdom in your words my friend.
Randi,
I will say it once again: I LOVE your writing. You have such a lovely and distinct voice. OK girl crush aside, I just wanted to share that this morning I shed a BOATload of tears. Big, fat salty ones. Tinged red with the nosebleed that ensued. Not to be too graphic, but to give you more a sense of the unleashing of emotion that occurred when I saw not one, but TWO boats pass me on the horizon. My lovely husband held me in his arms as I cried and cried. And when I stopped crying I realized that the sadness, the jealousy of the passengers on the boat, and the adventure the boat was taking, was an arrow pointing me in the direction I wanted to go. Towards MY boat, the boat I am constantly avoiding and dodging by focusing on others boats. The boat I was built to ride on, to steer and to take refuge on. And had I been on all those other boats that passed, I would have compromised my own path, my soul’s purpose, my calling, yet again. Thank you for the lovely reminder….
Randi, this is so beautiful, you have a fabulous gift for words. I also do coaching and therefore, completely relate to what you are saying. What I often find to be the case is women who are telling me about success after success, and yet their focus tends to be all-consumed by the one missed opportunity, the one rude comment or the only thing that wasn’t completed on the to-do list… yet. I love your point about taking a serious look of whether it is even your crowd, your kind of party, etc. so often it is not, it is just the thought of being passed over. Thank you for your wisdom and prowess. xoxox
My boat was never as exciting or glamourous as the other boats. I would swim over imagining all the crazy partying only to discover it was the same but with different players. Darn, no satisfaction again!! Ultimately, it was self-work that deepened my connection with myself which allowed me to love where I was and be fully (ok, not always) in the now. Trust as another boat is always coming.
The key point is, “that’s adding a wholelotta story and interpretation towards making a fear real.” It’s so true that we can make assumptions and create an entire story that we relive over and over again in our minds . . . but it’s total bullshit and it hinders us. I absolutely agree with your solutions and they’re things I do myself. I’m with you on using it as fuel
. Thanks for a very beautifully written post!
LOVED this post! It comes at a good time for me, as I’ve had a couple of boat experiences this week with people I used to work with. Like you said, when I really get honest with myself I absolutely do NOT want their jobs. I want the aspect that involves immersion as an expat in a foreign culture. I’m realizing right now that I need to set a date for myself. I need to begin acting as if it’s already done.
Thank you!
Ashley
Thank you for this. It is so easy to only see what we *don’t* have, easy to watch the boat go by. I loved the part about turning around and seeing what is going on behind us on the shore. Such a good reminder. Why is that boat so much more compelling to watch?!?!
I love the idea of looking at disses and dismissals in new ways. In particular, I’m struck by the power of the litmus test. I’ve definitely had experiences in the past where things haven’t gone my way and I’ve been prompted to reflect, only to realise that things worked out for the best after all. <3
Excellent as always Randi. I really like the idea of a litmus test for these situations. As Andrea Lewicki would say…using curiosity to see what it is about that boat that we really do want and what parts look nice from afar but on close examination aren’t so us.
Oh I love your tips about what to do when we feel like this.
It’s so easy to “want to be there” and forgetting about appreciating “being here”.
We need to stop and do a litmus test, indeed.
And we need to wish those people on the boat well. Maybe we do get to be on the boat one day. Maybe it’s just not time yet. But if we resent them, we’ll never be one of them! Very hard lesson to learn..
“Or is there just some aspect of the party on the boat that would like to import into your own life?”
Wildly and widely applicable!
I’ve caught myself looking wistfully at the boat, but I also know that if I were on the boat, I’d be looking wistfully at the shore, impatiently waiting to get off the boat…so I can have my own party.
Been kicked off the boat, too. I’m a better swimmer because of it.
Such a lovely post and perfectly timed I might add. I am printing this our for future reference. Oh I am so familiar with the panicy disheartened left behind feeling, most recently by some fellow fiber people. But now on a different path, I am led to B-School. Yep, this is feeling way better.
Beautiful post, Randi! It’s one that everyone can relate to. I especially loved your last two tips of getting fired up and conducting the litmus test. The former is my usual go-to reaction but I think I’ll have to conduct a litmus test more often when I find myself in situations like this.
Really beautiful! We all have moments of missing the boat! I just missed a big one recently. I love this reminder: While invitations are nice, they don’t define our worth, don’t mean we aren’t adored, nor does it mean the beauty of who we are and what we do is any less. It just wasn’t our boat this time.
Once we let go we do open up to the boat that is exactly ours!
Thank you for the 4 wonderful tips!
Fatma XO
This post totally grabbed me and resonated with my own mission! Recognizing that we all have been gifted with our own unique talents and brillance to share with the world and trusting that our “boat” will come when its meant to.
I especially loved this part:
“We shine and create light for others. To me, that is the feeling of being most alive, shining that light. “Our people” are both fuel for the light and recipients of its warmth and glow.”
AMEN! Thank you for showcasing this sentiment with the world.
xo
Ashley
Randi, very thought provoking piece… I like the idea of turning to see what’s around you instead of focusing on where you are not. It is something I have to do often, because I can get caught especially in my business of where I think I should already be.
Hugs
Amazing post Randi! Sometimes it may seem like we are watching the world pass us by, heck I know I have those moments but we don’t know the who’s, the hows the whats and the baggage that is also floating around with the “cool kids”. On the flip side sometimes I think we need to make our own scene, get our own boat and make the scene we want to be part of and people will come along.
Awesome tips! Always love your articles!
Anastasia
Take BIG Steps and Make BOLD Moves with @AVV
Visit the weekly Mentor Mondays blog answering your burning biz questions and featuring amazing mentors! http://www.anastasia-valentine.com/mentor-mondays/
This is a great post but I do have a question. I fully agree and participate in letting go of the past and focusing on yourself. HOWEVER – part of my issue with feeling left out is that I was bullied by girls in grade school, up until 7th or 8th grade. Although I am over it consciously, I often have dreams about being left out of things. Sometimes I dream about business events. Sometimes I dream all my friends got a job somewhere and I’m not allowed to work there, or I can’t for some reason. It seems my SUBCONSCIOUS is not so easily convinced it’s not an issue. Any advice? LOL
Randi, this was so beautifully written. Haunting, insightful, and empowering all at the same time. You so beautifully created an image for a feeling I’ve felt time and time again throughout my life. I’ve also learned to really look to see if the boat I envied that’s passing me by was really the boat I would want to be on if I placed my fears and ego aside. Beautiful beautiful writing…
this was beautiful and enlightening to read. I think I’ve moved past this as the decades have passed, but I clearly remember feeling this way all the time from my youth through 20s and 30s. then I just started feeling like I was creating so much of my own life anew every day and everything else out there wasn’t mine unless I was supposed to be there.
[...] my heart listens to the place that calls her and the whispered cheers of soul-family [...]
Really beautiful love
‘nothing good gets away’
this is from a letter john stienbeck wrote to his son. those four words changed my life. i could breath out and let go the fear that i wasnt doing enough, that the timing was wrong, i could miss my chance.
because of course the life we are all seeking is seeking us too! and i trust that when it all unfolds the timing will be perfect.
xxx
Randi.. such a beautiful, universally moving post.. perfectly captured. Never saw that particular Isaak Dinesen quote.. simple and completely true. At 55 the issue of being cool isn’t what triggers me, but being included, being seen, being known.. yes. When those are off AND if I attach any old themes and narratives.. it will hurt. A lot. And any kind of comparing will usually bring out the worst in me. Unless as you say it lights a little fire instead.
Anyways.. thank you for the beautiful piece.
Heart to heart..
Lisa
Http://www.Intuitivebody.com
Simple Sacred Solutions For Living Beautifully In Your Body
Beautiful post Randi, and “drop the story” oh yeah big time. It is easy to make up a story based on what you see on the internetz, but the truth is, what happens behind the scene is a whole different story altogether. Each one of us is on their own boat, and love to everyone one of us