I don’t even know when things started to fall apart.
I know that working for months to try and get my health back on an even keel was so hard and stressful. I worried all the time – about what was really wrong, about the time I was taking off of work, about if I was getting in trouble for calling in, if changes in medication were helping, about how bad I was feeling, about if I would ever feel better.
I went to a primary care doctor and after a bunch of tests, she told me that other than the auto-immune disease, I was really healthy. I was so relieved when she said everything was ok, because then I could really hone in on trying to manage the Hashimoto’s.
A month or so later, everything went to hell at work and I resigned from my job. I started living off of my savings account as I was looking for a new job, a new 9-to-5. I went on interviews and had some awesome interviews and some not-so awesome interviews. And then the phone stopped ringing and the emails stopped coming and I felt like such a loser. I felt like a failure.
I was so angry and jealous and bitter, and then I just felt hopeless. I had wrapped up my entire worth around a 9-to-5 job. If I had one, I was good, worthy, ok. If I didn’t, then what the hell was I doing and what the hell was I going to do?
Every morning I woke up, I felt a little bit worse. A little sadder, a little more scared, a little bit less. All of those feelings were wrapped up in a hard little ball in my heart.
For three months I wrapped myself up in a blanket and kept the blinds closed. I scratched my kitten’s back and stared into space. I was hurt and lonely and angry and scared. I was so scared of everything outside of my front door, especially after someone tried to break into my house. Inside was safe, outside was not. I withdrew from everything. I isolated myself from so many people and didn’t talk to anyone except my coach and my mom and my brother because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have words to articulate what was going on, so I was silent. I stopped speaking.
How many times could I say I’m so hurt by the way my old bosses treated me?
How many times could I say I suggested that and they told me no but now they’re doing it?
How many times could I say I’m so scared about not finding a job?
How many times could I say I don’t know what I’m going to do?
How many times could I say What am I going to do now?
Because I didn’t know what to do. I felt frozen and scared. I sat and watched Grey’s Anatomy. It didn’t make me feel any better, but it didn’t make me feel any worse either, and sometimes not feeling any worse is a victory.
My coach asked me if I thought I needed to go back on meds, and I said no, something about how things would get better or how I was ok, something like that. Because in my mind, because it wasn’t as bad as it’s been before, it was ok, I was ok.
But I was so not ok. I was not ok.
I struggled with the thought of going on meds, what it represented to me, what I thought it would represent to others. It felt like the hardest decision I’d ever made, but after it was done, it felt so simple.
I needed help. I needed to get help. And to hell with what anyone else thought.
There is no shame in living with anxiety and depression.
There is no shame in asking for help.
There is no shame in asking for support.
There is no shame in being on meds.
There is no shame.
That’s why I wanted to write this, because I felt shame. I felt scared to tell this story, I was afraid of what people would think.
But there is no shame in any of it.
If you’re living with anxiety or depression and you need help, please get it. I know how hard it is and can be, please know that. But it’s not a sign of weakness, it’s one of the bravest things you will ever do. And it will get better, it will get easier. The light will come back.
If someone you love is living with anxiety or depression, please be gentle with them. Let them know they aren’t alone – send them an email or text message or letter and let them no there’s no pressure in responding. Be there if and when they want to talk. Listen to them even if they repeat the same things over and over, those are the words that need to be spoken.
With love,
happy new year, jenn.
+ clearly it is a new year in you.
no shame. no shame.
into the light. into the light.
into the bright of full skies.
the stars don’t hide + neither ought we.
craters + all. bumps + messes. wounds + worries.
it is all of us. it is all of us.
muchmuch love to you, beautiful jenn.
oooxxxxooox, rachel
Love to you, Rachel, thank you for always supporting me & believing in me. ♥
Dearest Jenn, please never under estimate the power of you and your words, you just “spoke” to me and to my heart!
thankyou for sharing this and I wish for you everything you can possibly ever wish for yourself.
Happy New Year and here’s to a wonderful 2013 xxxxxxx
Andrea, thank you for being here, I appreciate you. ♥
Thank you for being so courageous.
Thank you for sharing.
From your story, others will draw strength and find freedom.
Thank you, Jenn. ♥
no shame, no shame. none.
<3
Truth. ♥
Jenn,
What you’ve written here is IDENTICAL to what I experienced when I left my 9-5 over a year ago. Yes, I remember frozen-lost-sapped energy-hoplessness. I commend you for speaking about it, because it’s a hard truth that is extremely difficult to process. I thought I was the only one, I thought surely I must be ME for it to have dropped me to my knees so powerfully. I couldn’t talk about it. It got better, after some time had passed but there is a distinct journey of where you are that I can only say, I understand- inside my bones and around every fiber, I understand.
Love you brave one, thank you for sharing about this…
xo
Kat, thank you so much for sharing this. I got your message and will write back soon, please know how much it and your words and you touch my heart. ♥
no shame at all. <3
Never. ♥
This post is inspiring and brave. You are so right, no shame. There is power in the words we don’t want to say.
Thank you, Natalie. ♥
I see you, Jenn. Have also been to the dark places. Will probably be a Prozac lifer. (Most of the time I’m ok with that.) I see you.
Shelley! Thank you. Thank you. ♥
The more we share, the more the light peeks through and those hurting can see the glimmer. It is hard, but there is an end. Thank you for having the courage to be vulnerable and share your story.
And that glimmer can make so much difference. I didn’t want to tell this story, I didn’t want to have to tell this story, but it’s so important to let people know they aren’t alone. All of this love lets me know I’m not alone. Thank you, Lynne. ♥
Jenn, I hope it helps to share and name your feelings because that is so important. There are so many people out there who are probably feeling the same way and by sharing your story, you will help them. I wish you all the best in this new year.
Writing this helped so much, it helped to close out a chapter, get perspective. Thank you for being here, Kim. ♥
I love you dear girl. There is no shame, only great bravery and risk-taking. I had my Dr. up my meds just before Christmas. It has made a huge difference. Now, if I could only sleep. . .
Love to you, Trece! Good for you for taking care with yourself. ♥
No shame at all, although we make ourselves feel that way. Go you for loving yourself enough to reach for the help you need & deserve! And even bigger kudos for reaching back to help others in the same spot. It’s hard enough to admit in private, but to share so that others succeed is real bravery and love. Hugs & Light, Raven
Love to you, Raven! Thank you so much for being here. ♥
Thank you Jenn. Your words are authentic and beautiful and much appreciated. My decision is now made and my heart already feels free.
Wishing you peace. ♥
Hey love. I’m holding onto your words and nodding my head yes, yes, yes.
I’ve been where you are – and it took everything I had to reach out to a good doctor for help with my depression and anxiety.
You are brave, woman – and the work you are doing is so very important.
Sending you so much love. xoxo
Ahhh, I know you know, love. Thank you, so much. ♥
What a beautiful and brave post. Sending love to you, Jenn. ♥
Thank you, Piper! Wishing you a peaceful day, xo.
Beautiful. Strong. Inspiring. And so true – there is no shame in any of it. What a powerful example you are setting here for all of us. In awe. Big big hug! xo
Thank you, An, so much. ♥
Thank you for telling my story. Thank you for telling so many women’s story. Our stories are particularly similar, down to the Hashimoto’s diagnosis, and having been on medication for depression before. I so intensely disliked the label of depression and being on medication for it in the past that I attempted to power through it for years. I even justified it as a symptom of Hashimoto’s when I suspected for quite some time that it was something more. I also had tied up my identity into a certain position that changed, lost confidence, had enthusiasm that waned, felt I complained too much around others, isolated. It’s all rather obvious now but they were a small progression of choices and actions that compounded to make their presence known when they wouldn’t be silenced anymore. I had battled depression and it almost won. Since coming to terms with it I am much more engaged in life now than I ever was before. I have happily been reunited with the person I lost for years. Myself. It all began as you say with recognizing there is no shame in treating this illness, temporary or prolonged. Again, thank you.
Oh, Amy. Thank you so much for sharing this, thank you. ♥
Hi Jenn,
Thank you for writing the above. It could have been written by me as it mirrors my experiences. Like so many others and their comments, I relate and thank
you and applaud you in your courage and bravery. Peace, love and light to you!
Love to you, Eileen! ♥
Jenn you are so brave to tell this story. I’ve been there and know how hard it can be to peek out from under the covers. Or to pull them up over your head and pretend you’re asleep. I know how hard it is to decide to take meds or not. To tell people or not. To look at the girl in the mirror and say, “we’re going to be okay” instead of some negative crap about what a screwup I am.
Thank you for your honesty. Your advice is good. Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We just never know what someone else is dealing with.
Thank you, Mary, I appreciate your words so much. Sending you love. ♥
Oh Depression and anxiety feel like they are two friends I will always have, but don’t particularly like. I recently had a child, and remember finding out I was pregnant. It was a surprise pregnancy, and my entire life changed. I spent entire days on my couch crying and sad, grieving for my life and scared shitless for what was coming ahead. Even now, 2 months in my daughter’s life, I still spend so much time scared. I also have the wonderful tendency towards self isolation. I agree, there is no shame in asking for help but sometimes it is so damn hard.
Oh, Beth. Yeah, it can be really hard, it is so hard to ask for help, to admit you need help, to put yourself out there with family or friends. Maybe start with one small step, reaching out to the person you feel safest with? Please know that you’re in my thoughts. Sending you so much love, peace to you. ♥
Jenn, I’ve been subscribed to your emails and reading for a long time but this is the first time I’m commenting. Your post really touched me because i’ve been feeling the same, exact way for a long, long time now. Having an auto-immune disease, a boss with no compassion, a long period of feeling lost and being unemployed and swirling inside the anxiety/depression. It was amazing to see the words that speak what I’ve been feeling. Thank you from my heart.
You’re welcome, sweet love. Thank you for being here. ♥
Dear Jenn, You are not alone! I have been on anti-depressant meds for years. I would start to feel really good and stop taking them, and after awhile I would spiral right back down into the pit of depression. I would beat myself up wondering why I couldn’t stay feeling good without the meds, and get more depressed.
Now I realize I just have to stay on them. As you said, there is no shame, taking them does not make me less of a person.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Ahhh, thank you for this, Janet. Sending you love. ♥
[...] you are not alone [...]