Before my mother came to visit last week, we were on the phone planning what we would do while she was here. Our conversation centered on me wanting to rearrange my living room.
As we talked, I found myself standing in front of the china closet saying, “Why do I have this teapot that held those violets at Grandma’s funeral? She never even owned this teapot. Why did someone decide to send it thousands of miles to me? I don’t even have a photo of her up but each day I see this teapot and think about her funeral. I want to think about her life. I just want to get this stuff out of my house.”
I have told myself so many stories to avoid looking at all the stuff. I have told myself so many stories about how small our house is and how we will move some day soon and how I really don’t have time to go through all those papers and the things that people have given us along the way that we really don’t want anymore. I have told myself that this is just how it is when you work from home and have a small child.
I have told myself so many stories that just don’t ring true when I stop to listen to them.
Last week, my mother and I found ourselves in the curtain section of Ikea. I was wandering in what felt like circles as we tried to find the curtains that would “match the red sofa.”
As I looked at yet another set of neutral linen curtains, I tried to ignore the set that called to me. My internal dialogue was a bit like this, “Those birch tree branches with birds just don’t go with anything you currently have in that room. Well, except the wall of artwork that makes you so so happy. And they match the way you feel when you and Ellie dance in the middle of the day as it rains outside. And they would look pretty fantastic in a room filled with all those books that invite you to remember you are not alone. But they don’t go with the rug. At all. And they don’t look like grown up curtains. And…”
At this point, I stood in front of those birch trees with birds curtains and said to my mother, “Do you like these? Wouldn’t they be crazy?”
And she said, “Do you like them?”
Tears began to form as I stood there staring at them wondering what she was going to say if I told the truth. Wondering if she would recommend beige instead. Wondering if she would be able to see how truly vulnerable I felt in this seemingly ordinary moment.
“I just want the inside of my house to look like I feel inside.”
“Is this how you feel inside?” she asked as she held the curtains out so we could really see them.
“Yes.”
“Then I think we should get these curtains.”
As I continue to let living from wholeness guide me, I realized that the time had come to sit in the quiet and breathe deeply and be honest with myself about what I need (more help) and what I want (more rest, more room for living, more space for intimacy). The time has come to let go of stuff and let in more light. Yes. It is time to create a home where we can deeply live and widely love.
An invitation: As I continue to sift through all that making a home can be over here, I would love to hear your stories about how you are doing this in your corner of the world. Or perhaps you, like me, have realized it is time to create a home that looks like you feel on the inside. You can share that story too. We can help each other let in more light.
Wow, this is beautiful.
I’ve been finding myself rearranging a lot this past week and falling in love with my (fairly new to us — we’ve been here six months) house all over again. I have SAD and after spiraling down last week, one part of helping take care of myself as I returned to a more normal place was rearranging and decluttering. I’m not quite done but the spaces I’ve done so far really light me up!
And the best compliment was my almost six year old coming in and saying “wow, new!” He has a speech delay and autism, so that’s a pretty big compliment from him, especially since he was so happy to run around looking at what I’d done — which that day was creating a better art space for him.
alexis,
i love that your six year old came in and said that.
and realizing that creating the space we love is self-care is a beautiful gift we give ourselves.
thank you for your words,
liz
as i read this story, my eyes filled with happy. what a beautiful gift we can give when we truly see each other. when we let go of the ‘supposed to’ and the ‘should’ and just allow one another to ‘be’ who we really are in that moment. thanks for sharing this story, liz.
sasha,
thank you for getting it and seeing the beauty of me allowing myself to say my truth in that moment in the curtains.
xo,
liz
This melted my heart. I’m in the middle of a program with some amazing women and we are making space in our home, hearts and minds so that the true essence of who we are can shine.
Reading this was, knowing that moment with the curtains, knowing that we long to be truly us, I had tears in my eyes.
Thank you Liz.
thank you hannah. i deeply appreciate your words….
liz
Oooh, I love it. The way you describe the moment in the store went straight to my heart. Thanks for this heartfelt story. I hope you enjoy your re-making of your home, and letting your light shine.
- Nikki
thank you nikki!
Oh, this brought tears to my eyes, too. I could feel how you felt in that moment of wanting the curtains, feeling vulnerable and unsure. I often have moments just like that.
I want to work on listening to my wisest self and honoring her, not what others think I honor. It’s hard work.
But your curtains look FANTASTIC I’m sure!
Ruth,
It is hard beautiful work listening to our wisest selves. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone as I keep trying to do the same.
And I am loving the curtains!
Liz
YES! This hit me where I needed to be hit, in the heart! Such truth… I could hear my Mother asking me those same questions… made me cry. I have so longed to be free from the world, and accept me, and love me and all that brings happiness to my soul, be true to who I am. I have held back on a lot of what makes me happy… there are a few things in our home that we have embraced, and thing is, most who enter our home, love it also.
So time to embrace what fills not only my heart with happiness, but what fills my families heart with happiness :]
Thank you for sharing, YOU!
Thank you so much for sharing these words Misty!
Liz
Oh, Liz – I feel like I’m stalking you right now. But you are speaking straight to me about so much. Such different lives. So far away. Yet, so much the same.
I decided to start making our house (a modern, suburban clone I’ve no attachment to) look like we actually live here, quite recently. It is making such a difference. Even the little things. They’re not actually so small, after all.
Much love to you and your wee family as you fill your home with your loving personalities. I feel really honoured to catch a glimpse of them
xxx
Thank you Julie. I so appreciate knowing that you are in your corner doing the work too and sifting through what “home” can be.
xo,
Liz
This was a beautiful post! I feel the same about re-creating our home; purging things that are not loved wholeheartedly. I want our space to reflect my insides, my husband’s, as well as the ones my children are carefully cultivating themselves. I hope this year to capture that.
Olivia,
Know that I am over here cheering you on!
Liz
About 5 years ago, I decided the same thing. I wanted to get rid of all the hand me down furnature we had and buy pieces for our home that I personally picked. (My husband told me from day one, that I was in charge of this stuff.) So I did. I wanted things in my house that reflected my tastes. I was tired of living like a collage kid in a dorm somewhere. I wanted grown up stuff. Little by little, I purged alot of the excess from my life-the stuff people gave me that wasn’t me at all, the stuff that held bad memories, the stuff that was old and ugly and not being used.
I am not entirely finished this process, there are still odds and ends I need to clean out, pass on or garbage. It’s a work in progress, but you’re right, our homes should be a reflection of who we are and what’s important to us.
I hope you bought those curtains. We need more joy in our lives, especially in the spaces where we spend the most time. It just makes sense. And it’s just curtains-if you ever get tired of them, you can take them down and hang something else. It’s a quick fix, if ever there’s a need. It’s not like it’s siding on a house.
And P.S. you are worth so much more than beige.
Lelainia,
Oh we bought them!
It is so freeing to start to get rid of the stuff that people have given us that has served its purpose but we are ready for it to move on…
and yes to being worth more than beige!!!!
Can your mom adopt me? Just for a little while?
Kate,
I will check…
She is very good at reorganizing others and since she just retired, maybe she is open to taking on other people’s homes.
Blessings,
Liz
Thank you, for writing something so beautifully transparent. Thank you, for buying those curtains. & Most importantly, thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone. Like my internal monologue doesn’t sound reckless and ridiculous. Thank you.
Amanda,
Thank you dear girl for sharing this. You are not alone. We are all in this together.
xo,
Liz
Wow. WOW. This just hit me so hard. I have a room I call The BTR. My Bermuda Triange Room. It is filled with all of the things I’m in denial about, but yet I want to turn it into my writing room. My library. MY space. But I can’t even see the floor in there right now because I’ve been so angry at other things in my life that I went in there the other night and just started throwing things around in frustration.
This weekend… that room… becomes mine again. Even if I have to stay up for 48 hours to reclaim it. I need it more than ever right now.
Cindi,
Sending over light and peace as you work to make it the room you most want and need.
Liz
Oh. wow.
You hit on something that just lit me up on the inside. What you are describing rings so true to something within me that I hadn’t even realized was there, yet I knew I was struggling with something. To be honest I’m not sure I would have ever uncovered it had I not read your beautiful story. I feel as if I suddenly know where how to begin working on me. Thank you.
Lynn,
Thank you for sharing your words….
Blessings,
Liz
i loved, loved, loved this…
perfection.
i have missed you and your stories,
they always make me smile
xo
gkgirl,
thank you sweet girl!
Oh, I teared up too reading this!
Between Christmas and New Year I took myself along to IKEA. Then in my living room I rearranged some furniture, put up soft white curtains that make the room glow and replaced my handed down mottled rug with a deep bright red one. I can’t believe how different it all makes me feel ~ and just more *me*.
mj.x
Melissa,
Yes! Love this image of this space that is more you.
Liz
Good for you Liz for going with your heart and getting those curtains! I truly believe that a home must honestly reflect those who live there. A home is filled with personality and most importantly..fun and imagination! I too am going through that “de-cluttering” phase, and boy does it feel good! Good luck to you and the process of bringing in more light! Thank you too for always filling my home with light! Cheers!
I love this. I know those moments all too well, the ones that seem plain and meaningless but make me feel so vulnerable and even needy. It’s wonderful to have someones there who understands and who can give you that little push when you forget to listen to yourself.
Years ago when I redecorated after a divorce, I bought an overstuffed chair for the TV room and put a pink slipcover over it. Everyone thought I was crazy, but it’s everyone’s favorite place to sit. So who’s crazy now?
With age has come the ability to buy what I love and know that it will all work together somehow….but I still have not mastered being able to let go of the THINGS I do not love just because they are connected to SOMEONE I love.
After losing both mothers and all the grandmothers and my daughter growing up, my home, garage and storage unit are full stuff from all those people….I need to let it go this year. And it will be hard….and good.
Our house is the reflection of me. I feel things piling up within me and yet I feel empty. That is why our place is kind of cluttered and yet empty. Because what I really want is… to leave and to start fresh. Hang some happy curtains. We don’t have any now.
I think I like your mom! It can be so hard sometimes being the mom of an adult child. I know what I like and can see what *I* think would work. But my kids have their own ideas. Being able to support you in making your own choices without trying to inflict her own ideas is a wonderful gift for both of you. Appreciate her.
[...] “I realized that the time had come to sit in the quiet and breathe deeply and be honest with myself about what I need (more help) and what I want (more rest, more room for living, more space for [...]
oh Liz this is such an awesome story! although “story” doesn’t seem like the right word. “snippet” maybe? snippet of your life? anyway, love it.