Guest post by Sarah Von Bargen for Oh, these Wild Women: Stories from the tribe
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Pop quiz, friends. Have you ever been guilty of any of the following?
a) hurriedly cleaning your house before friends pop round and when they compliment your spotless space you get all “Oh this mess? No!”
b) perfecting the art of ‘I’m-not-wearing-makeup’ makeup. And then wearing it to the gym.
c) attempting to win every pot luck you attend by bringing an overly involved and impressive dessert. And then acting like it’s something you just threw together with the ingredients in your fridge.
d) removing carbs, cheese and joy from your diet so you can look amazing in your swimsuit. And then when someone says you look great, you wax modest.
Sound familiar? No? Just me. Awkward.
I spent the better part of my twenties (and maybe the first year of my thirties) engaging in competition level Effort And Accomplishment Downplay. All those countries I visited? Oh, it’s no big deal, you just book a ticket and go. That MA? I didn’t write a thesis, it’s just an MA through coursework. These jeans that still fit? I just got lucky and inherited a fast metabolism.
Downplaying the effort that goes into our accomplishments serves absolutely no one. Not.one.single.person.
Why?
If somebody wants to follow in your footsteps, you’ve just completely misrepresented the amount of work that goes into starting a business/having a great marriage/running a marathon.
You’re (inadvertently!) creating totally unrealistic standards for others. Most awesome things aren’t particularly easy. If you tell me that training for a marathon was “no bigs” for you and it’s been crazy hard for me? Well, now I have a complex.
You deserve credit for all the hard work you’ve done. When you tell a friend that it’s not a big deal that you just got into your first choice grad school, you’re removing her opportunity to praise you and make the fuss that you deserve.
Now, I’m not suggesting that every time someone compliments you, you announce “Ohmygod, you won’t believe how much work went into this winged eyeliner!” But next time someone notices the beautifully decorated room/six pack abs/impressive resume that you’ve slaved over – why not say “Thanks so much! I’ve worked really hard on it.”
After burning out on her jobs in marketing, advertising and event planning, Sarah Von Bargen sold her worldly belongs and moved to Taiwan to teach English.
And then she moved to New Zealand.
And then she traveled for ten months by herself.
Somewhere along the way she earned an M.A. and started a blog called Yes and Yes that’s now read by 10,000+ people every day and supports her and her traveling ways.
And yes, she’s just as amazed by the whole thing as you are. You can befriend her on Twitter and Facebook.
I love this!!! I was recently caught eating a HUGE sandwich and equally huge mocha latte. A woman commented to me, “Wow you are so thin, you must be one of those people who can eat whatever you want.” Having grown up as an overweight kid and teen, I’m not so used to being called thin or being able to eat whatever I want. Getting to a healthy weight has been work, and I am not ashamed to admit that! I responded, “Thank you. I love to eat, and I work out… A LOT.”
Oh man, have I done this. (Um yes. I have.) It’s unCOMfortable for me to square my shoulders, hold my head up high, and say, “Yes, I have worked really hard and I’m so stoked to be here. Thank you for noticing.” But y’know . . . when I DO own up to it . . . it feels like I get a newfound respect. Even if that respect is from ME.
I really love this post. So spot on. I’m tired of deflecting compliments. When you’re on the other end of it, GIVING the compliment, it’s frustrating when the recipient brushes off your comment. Getting & giving with grace feels good for both parties.
Thank you for this solid reminder and perspective tweak!
I love this so very much. It really doesn’t help anyone to hide the work you do. It could be life changing for someone to hear that you put a lot of thought into the things that they admire.
this is such a great message. i’m definitely a speed-cleaner when i know someone is coming over. and you’ll be happy to know your post caused a post for my own blog to come spilling out of my brain – so thanks!
Excellent post. When did we all start doing this anyway? I think it’s actually something that springs from a sense of modesty, but in some ways it ends up being the opposite. Thanks for the reminder to own our hard work!
Really great post! I really identify with it, and I agree, sometimes it stems from modesty but it does come off looking the opposite at times. Very thought provoking!
This post is perfect. It’s what everyone needs to hear! Having unrealistic ideas about how to achieve a goal is the fastest way to feeling like a failure.. Thanks for writing this! Sharing on twitter