Joy (A love story)

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves
to recognize how good things really are.
-
Marianne Williamson

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In 2010 my world fell apart. The one solid thing in my life, my relationship with Patrick, came crashing down around me, like falling off a swing and getting the breath knocked out of you. We had been side by side for 17 years (I was 18 when we met), how could it be that we might not be staying together for the next 71?

Did time creep in between us while we weren’t looking and force us to turn and walk in separate directions? How could my heart feel broken? How would we fix it? And should we?

As I stood in the unknown of that time, that year, 2010, it was like a foggy window that I’d been looking through was being washed clean by my tears. All that I had been practicing and learning as a coach, as a guide, was now in my hands to use. If I chose it.

I was surrounded by gifts. The power of standing in the now. Daily affirmations that we can change and grow and it is good. An ability to listen to Patrick and ask questions that brought him deeper into knowing himself. Love. My children and their beautiful faces as we asked them for time to be just us. Connection that is for the purpose of healing. Healing.

As we moved through that time together, Patrick and I, I held out my hands in a prayer and the Universe sent me one word. Joy. I accepted. I cried so much in those days of healing. I remember walking, fast, until I couldn’t remember where I was going or if I ever knew.

We went back and talked about the days when we lost our first pregnancy and were left with $15,000 in debt for the surgery I had to have. We talked about how we started to disconnect. We told stories to each other of what that time was like for us, not just losing a baby but also all of our money and sinking into debt after spending a year saving up money to move across the country. To have a baby.

Three babes later, we were sharing those feelings that we had saved up for over 11 years. We talked about my pregnancies and how sick I was. Unable to get out of bed and care for anything but the basic needs of myself and my children. How those months would pry us apart, physically and emotionally. And the babies with colic. And our debt. And.

And the Universe said again, joy. We continued to talk. We became new to each other after years of familiarity and routine.

Yes, we have made some choices that have hurt. We choose now how to accept those truths. And we cry. And we hold each other. And we touch like it is the first time. Because it is. It is our new life guided by joy.

She is our guide in this next chapter. We will see her when we know how good things really are. The faces of our babies. The stubble on his face against mine. The way he smells my hair.

Joy
Joy
Joy

Her arrival we choose. We don’t stop feeling sadness or shame or guilt because we choose her. We feel more, we feel deeper, we feel fully. She allows us to understand our place now and to meet ourselves there with softness. She says to us, “Yes, I will be with you through this moment and I will guide you to the next.” And you will know you can make it, no matter what that truth will look like.