Hello, motherhood – goodbye, to-do list

Tales from the Tribe: A guest post by Darrah Parker, part of the winter 2011 tribe. Read more of Darrah’s stories here.

When Jenn approached me to write a new post for Roots of She, I said yes right away even though I had no idea what I’d write about. What do I have to say? My blog has been all but abandoned, I have no e-courses scheduled for the foreseeable future, and my days are spent in Cheerio-encrusted yoga pants playing on the floor with a baby. It’s glamorous, let me tell you!

To say that life has changed since my last Roots of She post is an understatement. My post that day showed no sign of the secret I was holding. I was pregnant. In fact, I had my first ultrasound that very day. Out of curiosity, I looked back at my calendar to see what was going on around that time. The month was packed with deadlines, photo sessions, blog posts, e-course promotion, and more.

Looking at my calendar this month, a year and a half later, I see space. Lots of open space. I know most people dream of an open calendar. I know I did! But now that I have it, I have a gnawing feeling that something is missing. I have started putting things on the calendar just so I feel like I’ve got a life – play dates, story times, birthday parties. I feel really fortunate that I can stay home with my daughter, but if I’m honest with you, I often wonder where I went. What am I accomplishing? Am I doing enough if I don’t have a to-do list to check off?

Of course, the answer is YES. One look at my thriving, funny, sensitive girl and I know that I am doing the most important work of my life. Every time I starting dreaming of the future or searching the past, I do a disservice to what I am doing – right in that moment.

Lucky for me, I have the greatest and wisest teacher I’ve ever known. She’s sitting beside me on the floor, emptying her basket of toys for the twentieth time today. She is just as excited about it the twentieth time as she was the first time. If I watch carefully, I realize that she discovers something new every time. She doesn’t live in the past or the future. She is right there – emotions on the surface, with no expectations, no plans, and definitely no to-do list. She is just living.

So I’m following her lead. I am remembering what pure, childlike wonder feels like. I am giggling when she giggles, napping when she naps, soothing when she needs her mother’s embrace. I am redefining what accomplishment means. I am just living.