I’ve been trying to get pregnant for about a year and a half. And so far, I haven’t.
As someone who might have a LITTLE problem with control, this hasn’t been my favorite thing. Once my hubby and I decided we were ready, I was hoping to wake up pregnant the very next day.
But, of course, that didn’t happen.
So I was tasked with something even more daunting: taking my body acceptance to the next level.
My word of the year for 2012 has been soften. It never ceases to amaze me how true these themes to turn out to be, and this year has been no different.
With each month that passes, I face a recurring decision: to harden or soften. To surrender or obsess. To trust or control.
And let me tell you: choosing a winning side is NOT easy.
Such Great Heights
After decades (literally) of trying to force my body to lose weight, change shape/size and conform to my will, I finally was able to soften that desire significantly. I now (mostly) eat what feels good, whenever I want. When I was at a new doctor recently (who I won’t be returning to), she asked me how many calories I eat/day, and for once in my life, I had no idea. I couldn’t even hazard a guess.
And I couldn’t have been prouder of myself.
For me, not knowing that information was a triumph of letting go. And more importantly, it was a triumph of trust — trusting my body, this body, that it knows what it wants and needs. That it will tell me what’s working and what isn’t, based on how I feel during and afterwards. Trusting that when I don’t heed the signs, I’ll be shown again and again until I receive the message. “Oh, I get sick EVERY time I eat sweet dairy foods? Got it.”
I’d been so focused on trusting my body around food that it never occurred to me there were going to be new things to learn.
But, of course, there are.
I’m getting to know my body as fertile ground — for the creation of a baby, but also for the creation of me in my wholeness. Me as a creative, fertile being, no matter the outcome in relationship to pregnancy. Me as someone who can let go and let god(dess).
Because what I’ve been learning is that there are so many more ways I can learn to trust my body, this body, in lots of capacities. Trusting it around food was my entry point (albeit a long and ongoing one) to deeper levels of knowing and loving — especially in the face of uncertainty and a desire to control the outcome.
I don’t know if or when I’ll get pregnant. Writing that feels equal parts terrifying and liberating, but mostly the latter. Because when my mind starts spinning off horror stories, I feel scared and sure it will never happen. But when I allow myself to sit quietly, breathe, drop in and listen to my body, I feel a softness and know that everything is okay. That everything is unfolding exactly as it should and needs to.
And I see that the more I trust this body, my body, the deeper my feeling of internal alignment and well-being grows. On fertile ground.