Have you ever found yourself wondering, “How the hell do I find time for this relationship?”

Yeah. Me too. You are soooo not alone.

Something that I have come to realize after being immersed in relationship analysis over the years is that there seems to be two primary categories that infringe on paying attention to our relationships: how we choose to spend our TIME and how we spend our ENERGY. If you have clouded up either of these two areas, chances are, your relationship is taking a backseat, and probably suffering.

So, what the hell can we do about it? Well, a lot of things. Remember… this is all about CHOICE. How you CHOOSE to spend your time and your energy. So, in order to simplify this a little bit, here are some simple ways you can free up your time and energy, so you can actually allocate your time and energy to shit that really matters… in this case, your relationship.

1. Read my post about the most important things in your life in order to get really clear about what you are making a priority. Do the exercises. Get clear. Own your shit.

2. Take a look at your commitments. Anything you have been saying yes to that you really don’t want to do? Anything that is a “should” or a “have-to”? Guess what? All those little obligations that you have committed to that really don’t light you up ARE GETTING IN THE WAY of giving time and energy to your partner. So what can you say no to? Where you can you man up and actually care about what YOU want more? Remember, you don’t have to be an asshole to decline something. You can do it with grace. Assertiveness + kindness = Freedom.
3. Start saying “no”. See #2. It warrants repeating. Grow a pair and start saying no so you can start saying yes to hanging out with that person you swear you are in love with.
   
4. Figure out where your stress if coming from. Your work? Your family? Obligations? Your schedule? Many times if individuals are really stressed out, there is not much room to cultivate and grow a relationship. Is there one small baby step that you could take to improve your stress level? Is there stress coming from an area that you could actually take steps to eliminate? Or delegate? Boundaries you could establish? Even a mindset switch about what is deserving of your energy? Oftentimes, we don’t realize that so much of our stress is self-inflicted. Unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves. Things we make more important. What is it for you?
5. Carve out non-negotiable time for you. I’m sure you’ve all heard the phrase, “If mom is happy, everyone is happy.” Yeah, no shit. You can’t keep filling up everyone else’s pitcher if yours is empty as fuck. Decide RIGHT NOW what you need each day or week to honor YOU. Seriously. Stop and think about that right now. Could you have 15 minutes of meditation before you jump out of bed? Could you have one hour to read each week on a topic that fills you up? If you are thinking, there is no way I can make the time, I want you to take an honest look at what you are making more important. Is it really more important that taking care of yourself? Probably not. It may be time from some re-arrangement of priorities. ‘Cause guess what? YOU need to be a priority. I can guarantee you, if you aren’t filled up, you probably aren’t being the best spouse you can be.
6. Carve out non-negotiable time for the relationship. This is the step where you actually decide that taking care of your relationship is so important that you commit to spending a specific amount of time together each week. You don’t need a week away to Cabo. What you need is to have sacred time EVERY SINGLE week where your relationship IS a priority. Decide what you can commit to. I always advocate a date night, but sometimes with small children that is nearly impossible. Instead of going into the “can’t” go to the “can”. Could you have 15 minutes to discuss your dreams/your day/what you’re learning/what you’re thankful for together before you go to bed? Maybe every Tuesday night you take 30 minutes just to catch up. Talk about what you’re learning. Share your life a bit. If weekly time feels like a stretch, start small. Shoot for 30 minutes a week. Carve it out. Seriously, if this seems like a chore, you may have a business partner instead of a spouse.
   
7. Take a look at your schedules. Okay, so I have soooo been in this boat and it fuckin’ sucks. Mr. Smith and I were like two ships passing in the night for a few years while our work schedules were completely opposite. So, here’s what we learned: If there was any hope for us, we needed to a) have sacred time EVERY single week and b) we had to be consciously working toward a different schedule. We knew that the way our schedules were crafted could not go on forever or we would completely grow apart. You may not be in a situation where you can miraculously create harmonious schedules. What you CAN do is look at what this may cost you in five years time if you don’t have an alternate game plan. What will it take for this arrangement to be temporary? And what can you do in the meantime to MAINTAIN your relationship?

So, you have some work cut out for you. It’s time to decide what is most important. What you are consciously choosing. The first step may simply be to create some awareness around what your current reality is. Maybe you just needed to acknowledge what you have been cluttering your time and energy with. So, I’ll leave you with my favorite mantra that I use around anything I know I want to make important:

MAKE TIME OR MAKE EXCUSES.

Your call.

Dear you,, originally uploaded by kelly.marie

Whatever you do or dream you can do – begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it.

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I shared the first part of this piece last week, you can read that by clicking right here.

Now, as we’re diving into the second part, I want to start off with this question:

What is stopping you from letting your stuff go?

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A brief sidenote: “Stuff” is also known as shit, crap, mess, baggage, issues, etc. Furthermore I’m defining “stuff” quite loosely – it’s the friendships or relationships that aren’t serving you, the beliefs that cause your heart and soul harm, the self-doubt or negative self-talk that keeps cropping up when you least (and most) expect it. It’s the cards and notes and reminders from the past that you don’t throw away. It’s the clothes and books and things you keep because of what they represent, whether it’s a golden time, a dark time or it’s the action of letting those possessions define you. It could be any or all or none of these things, but the definition will be uniquely yours.

However you define it, whatever it means to you, be gentle with yourself: We’ve all got stuff, we’re all working through things together.

So, with all of that being said, let’s go back to the question: What is preventing you from just letting your stuff go?

Is it an old pattern or behavior? Is it because you’re just used to having these things around, because it’s familiar? Is it because you’re scared, because you don’t know what would happen if you let it go?

Is it because you don’t know what would be there if you let it all go? Are you afraid it would feel empty or harsh or jagged inside of you? Is it because if you let it go, it means that things are actually over? Is it because you don’t want to say goodbye?

Or is it because you don’t know how to begin to let it go?

Untitled, originally uploaded by kelly.marie

I saw this photograph on Flickr the other day. In my mind and heart, it represents how it would feel inside of each of us if we let go of all the mess we carry around – peaceful, vast, open.

You’re standing on one side of that window and looking out, you can see how beautiful it would be to live a life where you aren’t hanging on to hurt feelings or old frustrations or words someone threw at you years, days or minutes ago.

The one where you aren’t keeping boxes of old letters or clothes shoved in the back of a closet, where you aren’t clinging to the idea of what or who you’re supposed to be and instead live in a way that feels natural and easy and True to you.

You can create space and ease and room to breathe. You can see how much space there would be and is inside of you to fill with love and hope and forgiveness and light, joy and peace and radiance and happiness.

What I’m learning, again and again, is that you get to choose what you carry around in your heart, mind and soul. You get to choose what you place there and you get to choose to let it go.

Ways to Begin the Work of Letting Go

1. Commit to it. Declare that you are ready to start doing the work now, today, this moment.
2. Write a letter to the person/fear/thought/feeling that you are letting go.
3. Share how you are feeling. If it’s an old hurt or frustration you’re letting go of, talking to the other party involved can be incredibly healing (for both sides.) One important thing to remember with this: take care with your language. The intention for this is to let it go, not stir things up. Last week, I talked with someone I used to be good friends with and I know I fumbled at times, but in the end, it turned out well.
4. Find your Power Symbol. Right now, I’m carrying around a picture of the Velveteen Rabbit to remind myself that I’m always and already real and whole. It’s something small and fun and silly, looking at it makes me smile.
5. Practice stillness or meditate. Know that you are enough.
6. Picture whatever it is you’re letting go of and breathe the mantra let go or release.
7. Dig into the reasons why you’re holding onto things. Think about what holding onto those things gives you or what it doesn’t give you.
8. Journal and free write using the prompt: Why am I holding on to this? The answers you come up with might be quiet and easy. For example, my fear of loved ones dying? It’s because my grandmother almost died last summer. (Not everything is going to be earth-shattering and profound, sometimes the Truths inside of you will be simple.)
9. If you’re releasing a fear, thank it for staying with you as long as it did. Fear is a means of self-protection, letting it go is an act of bravery. Acknowledge it, thank it for staying to protect you, and let it know that you are safe, secure and ready to move forward without it.
10. Daydream about all of the amazing things you want to bring into your life.
11. Create a collage or vision board filled with the things you’re letting go of on one side and the word “goodbye” on the other.
12. Be gentle with yourself and celebrate every single moment of letting go. You are revolutionizing your life.
13. Say the words out loud to the things you put on your list: say goodbye, good riddance, peace outtie, catch you on the flip, au revoir, ciao, don’t let the door get you on the way out.
14. If you’re ready to let go of physical items — books, clothes, furniture, CDs, DVDs, whatever — start two piles: One for trash and one for donations. Be ruthless and gleeful about what goes where.
15. Hold a releasing ceremony. Write down all of the things that you are ready to let go of and the things that you’d like to let go of. Then burn those pages, toss them into a fire or just light them up. It’s a symbolic act, and there is so much power to be found in symbols.
16. Take some space from the situation – unfollow or unfriend people, delete phone numbers if you need to. Give yourself some emotional space so you can begin to heal.
17. Cry. Mourn the loss. Let your feelings come out, don’t stifle, bury, suppress or hide them. Tears are cathartic and allow physical and emotional release of what’s inside of you.
18. Know that it is 100% ok to release whatever it is that you’re holding on to. Need a permission slip? We’ve got one big-ass permission slip right here waiting for you.

I want this post to become an archive, a library, a go-to place for our community to visit when they are ready to begin the work of letting go and moving on.

With that being said, I want to invite you to answer this question in the comments:

How do you release what does not serve you?

If you’re struggling with that right now, you can say that you’re learning, you’re a beginner, you’re figuring it out.

If you have ways and practices for letting things go, I’d love for you to share them here.

Because we all start somewhere: you are not in this alone.

Wishing you bright joy,

Words. Spiny, succulent, sharp, relentless, daring, beautiful words.

I’ve been in love with words for as long as I can remember. And so I’ve built a life around them—studying writing as an undergraduate, pursuing an MFA, sending work out and getting published, working for a independent book press for six years. I believe in many things, find beauty in many places, and none more strongly than words—so many of us are writers, artists, creatives—and despite what people may say, reading is not on the decline, and writers continue on, despite so many rejections and other reasons not to.

I’m constantly inspired by others’ words: poetry, novels, songs. Creativity helps us survive and thrive—as individuals and as a culture. Without art, we are nothing. As a writer, I know how important it is to be heard, to feel a part of a community. There are plenty of literary journals out there, but there’s always a place for more—always space for more creativity, always more need to display how brilliantly talented we artists are.

And so I founded Cactus Heart, a literary magazine. Its tagline—”spiny exterior, succulent interior”—encapsulates my vision of good writing and art. It stings and it’s vulnerable. It lures and keeps at a distance. It evokes fascination and thrives in the most difficult environments. It is dramatic and unexpected and perfectly marries form and function.

The premier issue is a full-color PDF—100+ pages of amazing poetry, fiction, nonfiction, book reviews, photography and art—and there will be approximately 6 e-issues released each year. I received submissions from all over the world, words poured in, waiting to be heard. Narrowing down the choices included in Issue #1 was tough—there were many great pieces that I just didn’t have room to include. But there’s always Issue #2 and beyond! There is also a plan to expand to print in 2013.

A big part of being a writer and artist is being seen and heard. Everywhere I look I see creative people making art and looking for a place to show that work. Cactus Heart is my small way of joining the conversation about literature—and I feel blessed to live a life so saturated with words. Cactus Heart‘s exists as a showcase for literature and art, to build a new community where creativity thrives.

Issue #1 is now on sale, and you can buy a copy here. Roots of She readers get a discount of $2 using the code ROOTS at checkout. And submissions are now open for Issue #2. I hope you’ll join our new community, and bring excitement, wonder, and beauty along!

Sara Rauch believes in simplicity, fresh air, and kale, and is a writer, feminist, and coffee-lover.

Her writing has appeared in Earth’s Daughters, The Black Boot, The Q Review, Inkwell, and in the anthology Dear John, I Love Jane.

She lives in Northampton, Mass., with her partner and their four fat cats, where she is working on her MFA and her first novel.

Connect: Website | Facebook | Twitter: @CactusHeartP

Untitled, originally uploaded by kelly.marie

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