Hello friends! My name is Lori Portka. I am thrilled to be a contributing blogger here! When Jenn asked me, the answer YES rang through my ears. Yes!
I’m a full-time artist, former teacher and counselor, believer in the oneness of all of us. My life is a work in progress. I am always open to learning how I can better serve the world.
I think that sharing stories is one of the most lovely ways to connect to our collective souls as women.
Sharing stories takes away the shame of secrecy, opens our hearts and spreads compassion. Thank you for being a part of this journey with me.
With much love,
Lori
Learning to be True, Lori Portka
she’s such a nice girl | Lori Portka
I am nice.
Really. I am so good at being nice. For most of my life this has served me very well.
This niceness.
It’s easy to get along with others when you are nice. You have lots of friends when you are nice. People mostly like you…when you are nice.
I think my first lesson in niceness began in the womb. My mother has a deep seated belief that girls should be respectable and polite. They should follow directions and obey all of the rules. Listen. Not talk back. Not wear out their welcome. Not speak too crossly to adults. Be agreeable. Respect people who are older. Not swear. (Oh no, swearing is very bad for girls.) Be soft-spoken. Not dress like a hussy. Be good. Be nice…
I have a mother who loves me and always has. She learned to be nice from her mother who probably learned from her mother, and who knows how far back this nice-thing goes.
Lately though, I have been re-thinking my deeply ingrained niceness. At times it feels like a manipulation (I want people to like me.) Like a falseness. Like something that isn’t really true for me any more.
It’s not that I’m not nice. It’s that I am not nice, all the time.
Sometimes, I judge people. Not for the way their hair looks or how they dress, but for bigger things like- I judge people who are against gay marriage. Why? I just don’t get it.
Sometimes, I swear. Actually, I swear a lot.
Sometimes, I get jealous. And, feel ashamed of it. And then feel ashamed that I am ashamed because I am working on shame issues. (But, that’s another post altogether.) I get jealous of other artists, of my teenage step-daughter who weighs 80 pounds soaking wet, and of people who make loads of money.
As I am learning to be true to myself, I’m finding out that sometimes this means I need to let go of the niceness for what is really there. I am a woman with a wide range of feelings and emotions, but often the not-so-pretty thoughts get hushed for the niceness.
I’m new at learning to be true to myself and not always very graceful in my delivery. Like the time when I was recently interrupted at a meeting and practically screamed and probably spit, “I WAS TALKING!” Everyone’s huge eyeballs were staring at me. My cheeks turned red. I completely forgot what I was going to say.
I am a whole woman. Good and bad, compassionate and angry, loving and indifferent.
For 2011, I intend to be kind and nice when that is what feels right, not out of a programmed way of reacting. I imagine that I will naturally be kind most of the time. I really am nice. I also intend to say no when my heart feels no, to disagree, to speak up when I am frustrated and angry, and to set boundaries when needed. I intend to do this even if I am a little rough around the edges and unruly and uncomfortable…and even if my face turns red. It’s okay.
Thank you, inner nice girl. You have served me well and continue to a big part of who I am. Welcome to the surface, inner unpleasant girl. Thanks for keeping it real.
Great post! I could relate to it as if it were written about me! I too, am going through the same kind of stuff with being 'nice'…so your post was a blessing…good to know I'm not the only one. Thanks x
Oh Lori, this resonates on such a deep level, I am right w/ you, concerning all of the matters you shared. Here's to being true, looking forward to the rest of this season with you!
This is sooo me. Thank you for a beautiful written, authentic post.
Looks like a lot of us resonate with this post. It's important to be kind, but just as important to say no when something is not right, and setting boundaries.
Your piece, being true to herself, is simply beautiful. Thank you.
Whenever I read your writing, I believe that we really do mirror each other. Not just you and me, but you and every (nice) girl. I also judge people for being intolerant of what is "not normal" for them, like gay marriage, belonging to another political party or religion, being vegan, etc. Thank you for voicing what is inside of me. Maybe one day, I will be brave enough to be authentic and true as you have done so here. Thank you for being such an inspiration.
Fantastic! I am a whole woman, too, with the nice bits and not-so-nice bits. Thank you for writing about this!
I judge people for being against gay marriage, and like someone above me said, people who are intolerant of what is different for them. I've always felt a little guilty about my judgment though, like maybe I am bringing myself down to the same level of intolerance. This post makes me feel a little bit better about that; I am a whole person with valid thoughts and criticisms.
Thanks for an inspiring post!
"Sometimes, I swear. Actually, I swear a lot."
Sounds like you & have a lot in common — including the "Nice Girl Guilt Complex." Thank you for sharing.
You're such a beauty, Lori–every little bit of you. And so completely adored (times a bazillion).
Love,
Julia
thank you so much for this Real post.
my inner unpleasant girl has been poking her head above the surface in the last year for the first time in my memory and it's been strange!
I've found that I know how to be nice expertly. I don't know how to be assertive expertly at ALL! I am awkward and blurt things out tactlessly! Hopefully I can find a way to be assertive but still tactful sometime soon
Your post helped me to feel that this isn't tooooo weird and that I'm not alone – thanks
This is wonderfully written – I can so relate to what you have said here! I have been thinking about this lately – but could not have worded it so eloquently. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to this journey here – and learning to be more true to my nice and not always so nice parts of me…even when I am rough around the edges and uncomfortable…which I certainly can be.
love this post, lori. i learned all of the 'nice girl' scripts too, although it was even more tangled up for me in the very particular context and definition of 'good Christian girl.' so now, when i curse, or post difficult questions without the 'proper' dose of tact, folks can get absolutely outraged. i'm trying to strike the balance and keep the peace, while also being true to who i am, voicing what offends *me*, and being fearless in letting the real me shine through
brava! this is just why i love you, lori!
Great post! I've gone through times where I thought this niceness thing may not be serving me well, but for the most part it's one of my favorite traits about myself. Yet I still feel like I could be nicer. When other people do nice things that I didn't think of, I get particularly harsh on myself. Other times I feel like the whole niceness thing just makes people dismiss me or talk over me like you experienced in your meeting. I like the way you've dissected niceness here.
LORI! so happy to see you here!
This was a great post! I feel all the same things you do! Lookignforward to follwing you!