In the work that I do, I come across quite a few individuals who are less than happy in the relationship that they are in.
One commonality that seems to permeate almost all couples is the notion that if the other person would just be different, everything would be just fine. Sound familiar? You aren’t alone, my friend. I can’t tell you how many people I talk to who ask me, “How do I get him to be different?” or “How can I get her to stop doing x,y, z?” Of course in our own minds, we always see where we’ve been wronged. We’re always the victim. If only they would just get their shit together, this relationship would surely thrive, right?
Here’s the deal: unless you are Jesus or Buddha, chances are, there is probably something you could do to show up in a more powerful way. Something that you could do to actually set your partner up for success.
So, here’s a list for you… a list of things that are in YOUR power. Your control. For a minute, stand outside of what your partner is responsible for and take a solid look at where you could stand to kick it up a notch.
Some ways you can be a better spouse… for your relationship and also to have some fucking pride in who you are:
- Instead of focusing on all the things you wish they would do differently, take some time to really, truly notice all the things that you are thankful for.
- Then tell them.
- Talk to them like they are someone you love.
- Don’t talk business without saying some sort of nicety to each other. For instance, if you’re asking your partner to pick up something on the way home, say you hope they’re having a great day first.
- Tell your spouse when you’re proud of them. Even if it’s for something small
- Initiate. Anything. Conversation, dates, sex, whatever. Don’t wait around and play the tit for tat game.
- Acknowledge when you’re in a bad mood. Say it out loud and tell your partner it isn’t about them.
- Be mindful of your words. All of them. You can’t take them back.
- Get your shit together. Seriously. If your individual issues are wreaking havoc on your relationship, get it ironed out. Get support. Handle your shit.
- Don’t make your partner pay for the sins of your ex, or father, boss, or whoever. If this is a rough one for you, see #9.
- In every argument, take time and ask yourself if there was anything you could have done better. Spoken a bit more kindly? Explained more thoroughly and candidly? Listened?
- Ask your partner how they’re day was. Every day. BEFORE you unleash about how your day was.
- Give a kiss good-bye every day. And tell them how you feel about them. Every day. AND MEAN IT. How often do you say “I love you” in passing without even thinking about it?
- Tell them when you’re going through some shit, and ask for what you need. And tell them it’s really not them.
- If you think about them during the day, let them know. It takes one second. Seriously, you can send a sweet text when you’re taking a shit for god’s sake.
- If something is bothering you, address it right away. BUT NOT IF IT MEANS YOU SCREAMING AND YELLING. Cool down and then kindly express what’s on your mind.
- Take care of something you know your partner doesn’t want to do. Just because.
- Say thank you. Often. And with genuine sincerity. Seriously, Mr. Smith and I still thank each other for everything… for going out on a date, for sex, for chores, for making money, for taking out the cat shit. An attitude of gratitude can radically shift a relationship.
- Nurture your own identity. Take care of your health. Hang out with people who build you up. The more fulfilled you are as a person, the more you are able to give to another. And the less co-dependent you will be.
- Watch your approach. Would you respond well to you?
- In everything you do/are in your relationship, ask yourself, “How do I need to show up in order to be proud of the person I am?”
So, seriously. Take a real, honest look at where you could stand to be a better YOU. In service of your relationship, but also in service of YOU and your own personal fulfillment.
Consistently, I see that the happiest couples are those who really love who they are as individuals. They have really owned their power separately and can co-create a super powerful relationship because of it. So, get on it. I know you have it in you. Plus, how fucking boring is it to stop growing? Go rock your own world.
Amy, you set my heart a skippin’. Your straightforward is refreshing and there is a light-hearted side to all that you speak of, a tenderness that threw love my way. Thank you. xo
Thank you so much for saying that, Janae! You are most welcome! I can’t stand when people beat around the bush with me, so I’m always a bit censor-less! LOL! Hope you gained something from this list and thanks again for swinging by! xo
I am particularly fond of #6 – Initiate!
This makes all relationships better, starting with my own.
Thanks, again.
Yep! I see so many couples who say things like, “Well, she doesn’t do x, y, or z, so why should I?” or “Well, if he did x, y, or z then I totally would too.” We always want to play tit for tat and wait for the other person to do all the work. One of the most powerful stances Mr. Smith and I have taken in our marriage is the mantra of “Give and you shall receive”. It’s not about getting THEN giving… it’s about giving and then watching the floodgates open. My only disclaimer is that this only works in a relatively healthy relationship. Doesn’t work in abusive situations or where one partner is invested and the other isn’t. Other than that though, it can be a total game changer.
Amy, I just have to be honest here. I always read your posts, but I wasn’t going to read this one because I am 6 days away from finalizing my divorce. But, I thought “well, maybe I’ll just see what she has to say about all this – about where we went wrong”. And, thank you. I will be the first to admit that I wasn’t always a stellar wife. Many things on your list I did not do, no excuses other than I let my victim-hood become my priority. It makes me wonder if we would have had a chance at saving the marriage if we had both just owned our shit. Anyway, thanks again for the honesty and love in your writing. xoxo
Christina!! I always love hearing from you and thank you SOOOOO much for being so candid and honest about your experience. So, here’s the deal… sometimes I think we really need to fail at something in order to give us contrast to what it looks like and feels like to succeed. I find that many people who have marriages that end in divorce, end up being incredible and thriving spouses in their next relationship because they have undergone so much learning and growth from the first marriage. Whenever I am tempted to look back at my past and judge it, I use the mantra, “I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time”. Perhaps I have new knowledge or perspective NOW that may have shifted how I would handle that situation, but I didn’t have that knowledge/perspective THEN, so I consciously CHOOSE to give myself permission to have made mistakes, knowing and trusting that it served a great purpose. Thank you again, for sharing, and I would encourage you to look at what this experience has taught you about the woman you DO want to be, in your future relationships, but also in this world. (I already know you are a total bright light!!) So much love to you as you enter this new chapter!! xo
I love this list! Especially #15
LOL!! Yes!! I hear people all the time who say, “I don’t have time, I don’t have time.” You DO have fucking time, you just choose to do other things with it! What’s most important? Also, I think many couples think they need a weekend away or some big adventure to make a huge shift in their relationship. It’s actually the other way around. It’s about small, consistent gestures of love that connect you DAILY. Not just when you get around to scheduling a date. Gotta maintain that shit! Thanks so much for reading! xo
This is such a great post and came at a good time for me. My spouse works out of town in the summer months, while I work, take care of our preschooler and dogs, and keep up the household by myself during that time. I would say we have a pretty good relationship, but we do become disconnected during that time he’s gone. Then we usually have a tough transition time when he’s back home, when we have to find our groove as a couple and a family again. A couple weeks ago when he left we both made a pact that we would be more mindful of how each other is feeling during this time, and try to do more things to stay connected as best as we can even though we can’t be together all the time. We talk almost every day, but its just the kind of “business” stuff, like: kid, dogs, house, car, checkbook, etc. We don’t take the time to talk about much else, or feel like we have the energy for it. But, these tips are some great reminders of how to maintain connection, if we’re in the same physical space or not. We’re hoping that with more effort of trying to stay emotionally connected even at a time of not much physical closeness, that our transition time when he’s back home will go smoother.
I’ve recently discovered your stuff, Amy, and I really love it. Thanks for your no bullshit insights. It’s a welcome presence in my life right now! Relationships are work, and with our situation, its even more work. It’s totally worth it- and it helps to have someone like you with info to help us keep things fresh, and, well, joyful! You rock!
Val! Thank you sooooo much for sharing your story and I am so honored to have you reading and hanging out with me and my uncensored messages! LOL! The notion that you and your partner have made a conscious effort to actually sit down and decide how you want to approach things differently is unbelievable! So many people want something different, but simply don’t do anything about it. I am so glad to hear that you guys have decided what you want to create for yourselves! Way to go! And thank you, again, for such kind words regarding my writing and message and I am grateful to have you in my community! Huge love!!