The (unsent) bitchy email: a hidden gem in your emotional tool belt

Sep 20th, 2012
by Danette Relic.
8 comments

Tales from the Tribe: A guest post by Danette Relic, part of the spring 2011 tribe. Read more of Danette stories here.

Here is a very serious question: how do you balance your desire to be a good person with your desire to sometimes punch people in the face?

Those of us reading Roots of She are likely to know the value of honouring our feelings and cultivating our wholeness as emotional beings. We are also likely to hesitate when we feel like punching someone in the face or throwing their phone out of a moving vehicle. As great as that might feel in the moment, we are a community seeking ways to honour our truest selves and take responsibility for our impact in the world. Yes?

Strong emotional responses like anger, grief or outrage don’t have a reputation for being tidy; they swell and surge and let you know they need OUT. In my experience, if you don’t let them out they’ll either overstay their welcome or find a creative exit — likely causing more damage in the long run. Damage that not only hurts you (in forms of illness & stress) but also the innocent bystander who happens to be next to you when your emotions break the emergency window to get some air.

It can be a bit of mess.

So what do you do if you are in a situation that is challenging what you stand for…but it makes you so upset that you are nowhere near having anything nice or constructive to say?

I know this is a gross metaphor, but imagine someone asks you an important question right when you need to vomit. And you are sitting there, unable to speak until you let it out, but you don’t want to vomit all over this person. Also, you know the question is important and you want your answer to be heard. You’re pretty sure you will not have their full attention when they are distracted by the mess you have just made of their shoes.

So the question is, how do I honour my commitment to express my emotions while doing as little harm to myself and others?

First of all, life is messy sometimes and that is okay. Also, nothing compares to the support of someone you can trust to hold safe (non-judgemental) space for you when the ugly is running wild.

Second, I invite you to also consider writing a really bitchy email.

Draft Folder, Meet All the Stuff I Would Never Actually Send

When I release joy, I often brighten the days of people close to me. Releasing anger is trickier.

I laughed really hard one day talking to my naturopath about how I have this gross perfectionist voice inside me that says but Danette, you’re a life coach…you should have all your shit together and have perfect relationships. My amazing doctor of natural medicine leaned in and said, what do you think it’s like for me when I get a cold?

Of course I don’t expect her to never get a cold, and of course I know she is brilliant at what she does no matter how many colds she gets. Duh. What made me think I was supposed to be perfect anyways? Who wants Ms. Perfectly-Perfect as a life coach?

Getting Past the Whole “Being a Bad Person” Thing

You are not going to send this email. We all get angry and we all have dark thoughts. Just because we might not write them down doesn’t mean we are not capable of thinking them. You can be angry at someone and love them at the same time. Feelings pass, thoughts pass, you will still be lovable you when this blows over.

Give yourself permission to write awful things you would never say. You can write bitchy ugly things and be a good person at the same time. In fact, writing a bitchy email helps you be a better person!

Before you dismiss writing a bitchy email as nothing more than immature whining, check out these grown-up benefits:

  • Creative Outlet for Anger Management - expressing your feelings in a way that does no harm to others while exercising your creative writing skills

  • Emotional Integrity and Self Awareness – once your words are on the page, it is much easier to see and understand what is underneath your triggered reactions and get to the core of what you need
  • More Power and Clarity in your Communication – after you have done your own work you will be able to communicate responsibly and compassionately with others. Or, you will discover that you had the wrong target in the first place. Phew!

Ready to get started? Wait!

IMPORTANT: Do not put anyone’s name in the address field of your email draft. Just don’t. Do not load this gun. We’re here for some healthy expression, clarity and damage control for ourselves and for our relationships. Do not load this gun. This is a draft only. You are not actually going to send this one. Got it? Good. Now we can write.

Who is This Letter For?

Let’s be clear, oh self-aware readers of Roots of She: This letter is all about you. All of it. Even if it begins, “to the miserable ass who destroyed my creative confidence in grade 3″.

You might feel like you need to tell a family member what a jerk they are being, or a whole group of people that it’s not cool to cut in front of someone in a wheelchair to get a better view at a busker festival (for example). You may want to defend your point of view and rant about it like you are giving a closing argument in the biggest injustice trial of all time. But at the end of the day, you are the judge and the jury. You decide what you want to do with this information. You are writing this for you.

I know that it’s hard to give ourselves permission to do this sometimes, because some emotions just aren’t all that popular and celebrated. It’s not fun to be feeling these feelings. But these feelings can be your best friends.

These are the feelings that love you enough to tell you that something needs to change.

They are looking out for you.

You are writing this for you, to be able to hear those messages the hard feelings are showing you. There is a gem in all that vomit.

Your Gross Metaphor du Jour Continues

So, let’s return to imagining your hard-to-deal-with emotion as a whole lot of vomit. Now, imagine that every time you have a wave of this emotional vomit, you get a little prize. Like in boxes of Cracker Jack. Got it? We’ll call this prize the gem. There really is a gift in all this.

Imagine that in order to get to the gem, you must vomit; the gem needs a wave to ride up on. Once it’s all out there, you can find the gem, clean it off and receive the gift of it.

Hey, just like emotions, not all metaphors are pretty.

Getting it Out: Be Dramatic and Don’t Hold Back

Now that you have created a safe place (remember, no names in the address field) it’s time to play up the drama. I mean some serious, betrayed-by-their-bff-teenaged oh-no-you-didn’t kind of drama. I’m talking self-righteous-film-critics-who-only-want-to-showcase-their-obscure-knowledge-in-underground-culture-while-tearing-someone’s-work-apart drama. Anonymous-haters-anywhere-online drama. Whatever archetype works for you and gets you writing, try that on and be scathing. Have fun with clever insults, gold star slapstick and wake up calls. Tell it like it is. Be a brilliant, vicious, messy genius.

Basically, be a total bitch.

Access that part of you that has something to say even though it’s not pretty, and let her speak her mind.

(it’s okay if this is fun, by the way)

You are beind kind to yourself by giving your emotions room to flow. You are giving yourself permission to feel.
Allow yourself a moment to not be perfect. Go ahead and rant, wail and sting, for as long as you need to.
Then take some time to breathe.

You are still the same loveable person, I promise.

After the Bitch-Fest: Finding the Gem

The gem is your real message, the real truth. The gem is what you want to take away from this whole experience. Your gem is personal. Like your dreams, only you can truly crack the code and understand what the symbols mean to you.

Here’s where to go next:

  1. Sleep on it.

  2. Re-read your beautiful bitchy email and allow yourself to admire your audacity. Who knew you had it in you?
  3. Journal with an open mind and curious heart

Writing seems to magically reveal and heal all at the same time. It’s one of my all time favourite self-love practices. Here are some gem-harvesting journalling prompts for you:

  • If you let yourself be honest, what are you really angry about?

  • What hurts about this?
  • What values of yours have been trampled on?
  • What is wanting your attention?
  • What are you resisting?
  • What do you need?
  • What actions need to be taken from here?

Self-awareness is a beautiful thing. When your anger and frustration are trying to tell you something, sometimes you need to clear some space so that you can get the real message underneath the drama.

Sometimes, a little rebellion and creativity are called for in the sanctuary.

Let yourself be truly heard. Starting with you.

Out with a bang: Shameless celebration

Jun 17th, 2011
by Danette Relic.
5 comments

Number One Fan by Danette Relic
.

I was co-captain of my high school cheerleading squad. Please, keep reading.

There are many ways to tell this story. For years, it was a story I hid at the back of my closet like a dusty pair of pompoms. Clearly, the American movie myths I picked up in my childhood didn’t translate to my Ontario high school. I’m not sure what I thought being a cheerleader would be like but I can tell you this: cheerleading at my school was not a ticket to popularity and approval. For me, being a cheerleader meant needing to prove that I also had intelligence and depth. That I could be strong and athletic, even if I never enjoyed sports.

The practices were my favourite parts, working on lifts, choreographing dance routines, laughing and pushing our capabilities while having a blast (all this at 6am, because we ranked last amongst all the other school teams when it came to deserving gym time). But when we went out to cheer at a football or hockey game (I know, cheerleading at a hockey game? Freezing, and ill thought out) something always felt a little uncomfortable. Sure, some students found us entertaining. However, what I remember most about being in front of the fans was the hostility, indifference, and sometimes ridicule that would greet us from the crowd. I don’t think anyone understood what we were doing there, including us.

I realized then that even cheerleaders need cheering on.

Oh, and a special shout out to Becky who ran back and forth from cheerleading practice to rugby practice, which were scheduled at the same time because no one thought there would be a girl like Becky. You and your short skirt showing off your cantaloupe sized bruise, your blue eyes beaming and that awesome grin on your face. I still cheer for you.

Give me a L! (for learning opportunity)

Only recently have I dusted off those pompoms and started to tell people I was once a cheerleader. I know now that first of all, high school is so bloody awkward for just about everyone, and second of all, I am still cheerleading.

One of my favourite parts of coaching is the cheering and celebrating. When my clients want to do something brave, like having that difficult conversation with a loved one, taking things OFF their to-do list, going out to a cafe all alone, spending money on a tank top that is way sexier and more expensive thank any of their other clothes, I cheer them on. When they email me to tell me that they actually did it, I celebrate. I know these are important moments that deserve attention. These moments have meaning.

I just love that part of my job. Love it.

Celebrating is important

Celebrating marks the moments that matter. Moments worthy of celebration are everywhere, from anniversaries to graduations, weddings and funerals, getting the job and leaving the job. We celebrate lives, we celebrate accomplishments, we celebrate decisions. By celebrating we are honouring the moments in life that we want to remember.

I remember how I was celebrated by my parents for every jump in the pool (over and over again…I see now how that must have been far more entertaining in my own mind at the time). Now that my friends are mothers and fathers, I see how generous they are as they celebrate their children’s every move. This is beautiful. And you know what else? You deserve to be celebrated too. You are still growing, changing, learning, being vulnerable and brave. You have kept promises, made hard choices, been knocked down and got back up again. You asked for help even though it was so painful to let yourself be seen as someone who needs help. You celebrate others, year after year. You celebrate yourself, this life, your dreams.

Honey, I am applauding you.

That’s right. Pompoms and all. It’s full on.

Soak it in.

What I’m Celebrating

  • Roots of She, and all the beautiful voices that gather here. What a fantastic place to have been invited to write, and what brilliant company in this season’s tribe of writers!

  • each of you who took the time to comment and connect, as well as all of you who silently visited and breathed in exactly what you needed.
  • Jenn for creating this lovely and magical space where all the connecting and breathing takes place.
  • my commitment to write and share from the heart every week for 12 weeks, and all the heart opening tenderness that came along with that.
  • Oooh…the inspiration that has been a delicious side effect of this experience for me! Keep in touch! I’ve got some juicy ideas up my sleeves and I don’t want you to miss them. One being a free Pleasure Points map I’m drawing up for you to download…spending time in this space with all of you has been really good for my creative buzz.
  • I’m celebrating my creative buzz!
  • I’m celebrating how right now I am overwhelmed with how many things there are to celebrate!

Celebrating and Cheerleading: Not Just for Kids

Sometimes it feels easier to cheer and encourage children as they dream, try new things, see how beautiful and talented they are. For some reason us grown-ups don’t always see ourselves as worthy of those same messages. We are. You are. If it helps to put it in perspective, will you say to the child you are encouraging that they are awesome and can do anything–until they grow up and then they are supposed to forget about all that and focus on the beauty and dreams of the next generation?

That’s kinda mean, right?

Hmm…

Don’t stop believing in you, cheering you, celebrating you. And the other adult dreamers in your life, no matter what the age. We are new to this life every day. You are one amazing, hard-working and gorgeous miracle. That is worth celebrating. Without shame.

Okay, Okay, I’m Putting My Shoes On

Last paragraph! Oh, I don’t want to leave. If this were a family gathering on my Italian side, we would all be doing the rounds of making sure we double kissed everyone on the cheeks while still chatting and slowly finding our coats. It would take at least a couple of hours.

We would linger, like words that really hit home.

There was a quote that showed up on Roots of She during my time here that is really lingering in my heart:

“Every journey starts with a separation, a leave-taking, a realization that the place you are right now is a place where you can no longer stay.” ~Justine Musk

I think what I really resonate with is the acknowledgement that it takes courage to begin a journey. And that all of us who are on one, have experienced the loss of who we once were before stepping out into the unknown. Thank you, for your heartfelt company this season. I want to acknowledge each of you, for wherever you are on your own journeys.

And wherever you are, I wish you beauty.

Self-love and the sexless marriage

Jun 10th, 2011
by Danette Relic.
22 comments

Juice by Danette Relic

.
Let’s cut through suggestive photos of open figs and get to the point. Love and Sex are sisters. They don’t do everything together, but they will always be family. Sooner or later they will be at the same dinner table, and when push comes to shove, they hold hands and reminisce about their shared adventures. I hear a lot of talk about Self Love, which is awesome. I don’t hear nearly as much talk about the voice of sex in our Self Love relationships.

Dancing With Myself: A Word About Ego

Self Love is the core of my work. I believe we need to understand and love ourselves to engage in deeply honest and meaningful connections. I get skeptical around conversations that are quick to denounce the ego, because it feels like a giant important step is missing there. It is no sacrifice to let go of ego, if you never really embraced it in the first place.

And I don’t know about you, but I think self love is pretty tough sometimes. It’s a journey that gets more challenging by the layer. I have spent a lifetime exploring this topic, and still I am surprised to find places where my heart is closed off, where I don’t feel worthy of love and joy. I understand that everyone’s journey is their own, and each of us has a different path to take. Still, sometimes I get a little sad when I see people jump into a new found form of detachment with the same desperation that one might jump to a cure. It looks suspiciously like striking the final pose without actually doing the dance.

Isn’t the dance why we’re here?

For me, the dance is where the juice is. Where life is. There is stillness, even in dance.

So back to Self Love. It’s the doorway to all love. Yep, even that big old capitol L, ultimate universal LOVE. It starts in each one of us. We are the acorns.

This is all very nice and wholesome, but I want to shine a light on the fishnet clad elephant in the room of Self Love. Let’s talk about sex, shall we?

Sexless Marriages and the Soul

For those of you who have been, or who are still in, a sexless marriage of some kind, you may agree with me that sometimes love just isn’t enough.

I know that sexless marriages can go on, in peaceful and beautiful partnerships for years. And for some, that works just fine. However, for so many of us, that space where sexual connection should have been becomes a painful wound. A phantom limb. A part of ourselves unexpressed and unborn. I know from experience and from so many who have confessed to me that when there is no sex in a committed love partnership, it hurts deep down in the soul. Anyone seen Splendor in the Grass?

We are sexual beings. We are made from love-making. We are wired for sensual pleasure. It’s our life force, our creative energy.

No wonder it can feel so lonely and hard to breathe when that life force goes underground for the winter and doesn’t seem to want to come back.

What Tantra Taught Me

Well, I could write a series of books about what Tantra taught me. My official studies of Tantra started two years ago with a weekend workshop in Toronto that rocked my world. Since then I have returned to assist that same workshop several times, each time deepening my practice and peeling back new layers of insight. Here is a starting point of what I learned in Tantra that resonates with my beliefs about Self Love and Sex:

  • sacredness exists in our bodies and in our sensual experience of life as physical beings

  • bringing attention to our senses and seeking pleasure is how we can be making love to life, anytime, always
  • we generate our own love and our own sex energy from the inside; no partner required (though partners are pretty awesome)
  • by honouring our selves in this way, we honour others, we honour the divine in all life
  • this kind of sacred sexy love energy is totally hot

Sex energy is powerful, deeply connecting and sacred. It’s healing and healthy. It can be shared, yes, but each of us has our own sex energy that we can cultivate and enjoy on our own.

Bringing Sexy Back to Self-Care

Obviously, you can have sex with yourself. You can self-pleasure using toys, your hands, the corner of your dining room table, your electric toothbrush, or whatever tickles your imagination. If this is new or forgotten territory for you, there are so many wonderful resources out there to help, from woman-positive sex shops, online shops that sell only body and earth friendly toys and of course, books upon books at your local library or online book store.

However, as us ladies know, it’s not all about the orgasm. At least, not every time.

More specifically, orgasms are not the starting point. Nor should they be a goal. Take a tip from Tantra and let your attention be the starting point, pleasure your goal and your senses the fine ride that is going to take you there and never let you go. Here are some places to begin:

  • Attention to Your Body: how are you feeling? What do you need? Are you present to your body in this moment? What parts of your body want some love? Your body is going to drive this thing. Make sure it knows you are listening.

  • Tune into Your Senses: Notice the ones you tend to use most, and which ones you often forget about. As you remember, take time during your day to ask what is this I’m seeing? What is this flavour I am tasting? What scents are available to me right now? What sensations are touching my body at this moment? What is the soundtrack of right now? Zoom way out for the big picture, and then zoom way up close for the subtle details. Notice that there is so much out there for your senses to engage with, and it’s like a buffet set up for you all the time.
  • Turn Up the Pleasure: What things are you smelling, tasting, touching, hearing and seeing that light up your pleasure meter? What scents make you smile, what sounds do you adore, what surfaces or textures can’t you keep your hands off of? Your preferences don’t have to look like anyone else’s. This is only about what makes you feel good. What is high on your menu of sensual delights?

We are wired for sensual pleasure. Babies have no trouble delighting in the many sensations of being alive. Sensual pleasure is our birthright.

To bring this conversation back to Self Love, I ask you, do you often think of sex in this context? What if you were your own lover, not just in your routine quivers under the sheets but as you walk, as you bathe, as you look in the mirror?

Why Sex Energy Matters

We all know that glow of someone who has just had a crazy weekend of lovemaking. Flushed cheeks, limp limbs, dreamy eyes and a goofy grin. Sex pumps blood and rocks our pulse and sometimes even helps clear our sinuses. I’ve seen sex energy bring out courageous playfulness, coy mysteriousness, warmth and laughter from way deep down in the belly. This is the impact of sex energy in the body. What becomes possible if you had more of that in your life? Your work? Your relationships? Your health?

Sex energy is the energy of creation. Not just baby-making, but your creativity. It shares the same chakra. It’s orange and juicy and it is the purring liquid engine that moves your beauty out into the world. You know how much I love that. I so selfishly want more and more of your beauty out in the world.

You have all the power to switch things up if you are in a sexless marriage with yourself. At your own pace, in your own sweet way. Not because you should, but because sex energy is there to help you. You get to call the shots. Go easy, if this is tender terrain. Remember that your pleasure is the only thing that matters. You can just spoon up to your sex energy and snuggle for a while, until you find yourself wanting a little more.

What kind of lover can you be to yourself, when there are no expectations, no performance pressures, no limits?

What would juicing up your sex energy inspire in your day to day life?

Secret dreams are worth risking the fall

Jun 2nd, 2011
by Danette Relic.
10 comments

Taking a Risk by Danette Relic

.
Risk is a personal thing, because it’s all about what you have to lose and how willing you are to accept the possibility of letting it go.

Risk is a conversation between what you have to gain, and what you have to lose. What are you willing to put on the line in service of that desirable something else? Risk really asks us to look at our priorities, from physical safety to spiritual integrity. Do you speak up when someone has done something that offends what you stand for? Do you jump from a bridge with a bungee cord around your ankle? Do you bring your date to the wedding no matter who disapproves? Do you take circus classes even though you are so much more (insert concern about fitting in) than the rest of the students?

I love risk. Well, I love writing about risk.

When it comes to my dreams and ideals and beliefs and personal safety, risk is pretty much terrifying for me. But that’s the point; if there was no fear, then it doesn’t require courage.

Why Bother with Risk?

Because just under all the itchy icky fear stuff is what our hearts really want. And moving through those layers of resistance to get to what our hearts want is where all the gorgeous growing is. The more gorgeous growing we do, the more our confidence swells and blooms. We can say, yes, this is hard but I’ve been brave before. We can say yes, see this thing here? I took a risk to bring this into my life. I can do this.

We can see how powerful we can be.

And, how vulnerable we are. Because sometimes, when we take a stand, we fall.

That’s the risk. It’s where so much of our beauty quivers.

Explore this with me. I’m going to ask you some questions about what risk you might be leaning into next.


Question One: What do you already have that you are protecting?

This is important.

I’ll share some of mine. Here are just a few of the things I really hesitate to part with:

  • my physical body

  • peace in my relationships
  • some specific and special pieces of clothing and furniture
  • my mental and emotional health

What about you? What have you got to lose?

Question Two: What would you love to have more courage for?

Oooh yes. What might, just might, seduce you into loosening your grip on one of those things you are protecting?

Some of mine:

  • sensual thrills that bring me a feeling of freedom, such as being in the ocean, riding a motorcycle or an animal

  • speaking up around issues of sexism and homophobia
  • the commitment it would take to own a dog or cat
  • singing in public, speaking in public, most public things
  • improv classes

What are yours?

Next Step: Bring on the Haters

The third question is where your fear gets to take the floor. There are all kinds of names for those fear voices we all have (gremlins, inner critics, monkey mind, the saboteur and my new favourite that I heard from ill doctrine’s Jay Smooth–”little haters”). Here is a question that calls them out like the smell of oven fresh cupcakes:

What is the worst thing that could happen?

Go nuts. List them all. Let those little haters and fear monkeys take the mic. The point here is not to scare your pants off, but to let the gremlin voices get out all that they need to say. If you don’t give them the mic, they will be heckling from the audience forever. Just give them the mic. It’s okay.

Now, it’s important to recognize that little haters and fear monkeys have a little crush on exaggerating things. So take these fears in, but process them with a salt block.

Last Call for Secret Dreams

I don’t want to bungee jump because the imagined thrill of free falling does not beat out the imagined fear of hearing the cord snap and plummeting to a less then gentle death. I just don’t want it bad enough. Though I still poke here, because I know fear can be sneaky. I ask myself,

If I died without ever doing this, would I regret not having that experience?

This is how I call out any little secret dreams that might be hiding in my belly. Ask yourself this question and notice if there something tugging at your heart with sad eyes when you do.

I can tell you happily that I have no secret dreams of bungee jumping. None.

I do however, have secret dreams of scuba diving, even though I am terrified of what lies under the ocean. If I die without ever knowing that feeling of moving though the ocean floor, I’d feel like I missed out on something beautiful. I’m nowhere close to being ready for that, but what I do know is that it might be worth the risk one day. Desire needs to catch up to the fear a little more on that one.

Look at How Beautiful this is

You. Trembling with longing. Vulnerable to falling. Bravely taking a stand for your heart. These are the moments we step into who we want to be, even when it’s uncomfortable. This is where we grow. It’s gorgeous. No matter how it turns out, we see our passion answering a call. We’re showing up to our lives.

Tell me where your desire is quickly catching up with your fear. What risk are you leaning into next? It might be days or even years before you are ready. It’s not a race. All you need to do is listen to your secret dreams and lean into them. Your courage will take care of the rest.

A sobering story: The darker days of value play

May 26th, 2011
by Danette Relic.
12 comments

Get in Line by Danette Relic
.

It can be confusing for the self-aware soul who knows what her core values are but finds herself dishonouring them again and again.

Hey you. You self-aware crackerjack person you. You know what is important to you and still sometimes you find yourself behaving as though you don’t care about it at all. If this happens to you, I can relate. I set my intention to honour my values and over and over again I steamroll right past those intentions with what looks like rebellion. Why do I keep doing that? I ask myself.

Or, on darker days:

There I go again. I’m a total hypocrite. I keep saying how important it is for me to be (gossip-free, eating healthy, balanced) but then I go ahead and (bitch about my co-workers, binge on cinnamon buns, take on more social commitments when I’m already burnt out). What’s wrong with me? I must secretly hate myself and be sabotaging my happiness….

Honey. I know those darker days. Me and darker days, we’re old drinking buddies.

Drinking with One of My Core Values: A Personal Story

My ex-partner drank a lot. When I say a lot, let’s just say, way more than I wanted to. But I would drink with him, and try to keep up.

When I began my coaching training and really digging into growth work with my own coach, I began to articulate my core values: the truly important components of what makes life fulfilling for me. I got very clear about what kind of vitality I wanted to experience. I loved how alive I felt when I stayed away from wheat and didn’t drink beer until my judgement melted into giggles. I saw what this feeling of aliveness brought to my creativity, my spirit, my joy of being in my body. It was a no-brainer.

But over and over again, my partner would open a bottle and I’d drink from it. Someone didn’t want to be the only one ordering dessert and I saddled up with an empty plate, even though my belly was beyond full and my wallet close to empty.

In the morning, I had a spiritual hangover that coffee and painkillers couldn’t touch. And my poor confused self-awareness pixies were fluttering about, dizzy in the haze of booze and processed sugars, wondering what hit them.

Enter the voices of darker days.

Repeat.

Oh, and just for fun, throw this cherry on top: What kind of life coach are you?

I’ve swallowed many of those cherries. Think, Witches of Eastwick.

Ew.

What Kind of Life Coach Am I? Great Question.

I’m the kind who is human, for starters. Flawed, hard on herself, gorgeously human.

So when you hire me, don’t be afraid to tell me about your own darker day voices. I’ve known many. I’m keeping this post G-rated, but just know that I won’t be shocked at how hard you are on yourself, and I certainly will not judge you.

Secondly, I’m the kind of life coach who is curious. Who knows that everything is a choice. Who, once I’m bored of beating myself up will ask, so what’s going on?

The way you phrase a question can make all the difference. Ask not, “why do I keep doing this to myself?” (bound to get you some self-loathing answers) and instead, ask:

By dishonouring my value of ____________, what value am I choosing to honour instead?

Another way of finding out is to take a look at the behaviour (in my case, drinking and eating to keep up with others) and ask what am I getting out of this?

There will always be something. Can you guess what mine was?

Bring the Power Back into Your Choices

There is great power in how we choose to tell a story. Changing the story to one where you are prioritizing a different value takes the power back from the situation and puts you in the seat of conscious choice. From there, new horizons open up. At the very least, you can understand what you are choosing and love yourself for choosing it. The more love we can give ourselves, the better.

What value was I honouring when I joined in unwanted drinking and dessert eating?

Connection. It’s huge. I want to be connected to others in conversation and shared experience. I want to be on the same wavelength. So when I’m in a small circle and everyone is sharing wine and laughter, I took a sip of that communal bottle. Is drinking and eating crap that makes me sick the best way to connect with others? Of course not. But first things first.

Understanding this about myself really let me know how important connection is for me. It brought a sense of empowerment back into moments where I get to make those choices again. And it helped me to relax about it, and most importantly, show myself some compassion.

From the place of compassion is where I am able to make better choices. I can then inquire about how I can honour my value of vitality as well as my value of connection more often. And should I decide to spend a night drinking wine and laughing with friends, I can plan ahead. I can enjoy connecting with my friends without judging myself the whole time. Being at choice makes a world of difference to how present I can be while enjoying the choices I’ve made.

← Earlier Posts