Permission to go over the top

Jun 19th, 2012
by Alicia Thiede.
7 comments

A couple months ago I decided to pierce the other side of my nose. I’ve had a hoop on the right side for 8 years. It’s a part of me now. I hyper analyzed piercing the other side. I waited and waited. Worrying that it was “too much.” Then a couple months ago I just leapt and did it. I’m not sure why it took me so long, I really love it and it feels like it belongs there. I have two piercings in my nose, some people would consider that to be a bit too far. One piercing, trendy, cool, whatever. Two…. that’s a bit “over-the-top.”

I also love to wear a lot of chunky wood and retro plastic bracelets and I especially like it if they don’t match what I’m wearing. Sometimes I wear the purple one with the yellow one and the orange one. Sometimes I wear them all. It’s not for everyone. But it’s for me. I feel naked if I leave the house and don’t have at least one bracelet on.

My favorite eyeliner is purple, but sometimes I love a bright green shadow with black eyeliner. But just now, writing that I thought why not a purple liner and green shadow?

You know the fashion rules like; don’t wear navy with black, or match your handbag to your shoes? Yea. Those are my favorite rules to break. Who gets to decide what I like or what colors I feel best in? Me. Because I’ve given myself permission to go over the top.

To push the envelope, to wear Converse with a skirt AND jeans. To wear a teal bandana, big wood earrings AND pink boots.

The really amazing thing is that this doesn’t apply just to fashion. It applies to life.

I’ve lived my life against the grain. Getting engaged at 16 to a boy I knew for two months. I married him 5 months after I graduated. I had 3 babies in 5 years. (Yes I exceeded the 2.5 rule) I stayed in a marriage that surely most people would’ve walked out of. I adopted a child with special needs. I dreaded my hair. I sold all that I owned and moved into a 300 sq. foot motorhome and traveled the country. I spent 4 months living on unemployment and sweet potatoes. I shaved my head. I got tattooed. I moved to the land of frozen winters. The list goes on and on.

Are these the “over the top” choices for everyone. No. (In fact if you did all these same exact things, I might think that you have no idea who you really are.) These are the choices that are, and have been right for me. When I read through this list, I see my authentic genuine self. When others read through it they may think “What the hell is wrong with her?”

My over the top and yours are different. But none the less, you need to know it’s ok to stand out. It’s ok to not match. It’s ok to do that thing in your heart that makes no sense to anyone but you. It may seem out of reach, it may seem years away.

But if it’s in your heart, it’s there for a reason. It it feels right to you, (or on you), then don’t deny yourself.

Here’s your permission slip. I’ve signed and notarized it for you.

Sitting with the sadness

Jun 7th, 2012
by Alicia Thiede.
13 comments
Untitled by galaxies and hurricanes
Untitled, originally uploaded by galaxies and hurricanes

So many times in our lives when we come up against something really tough, something that draws us to our knees or causes us to crumble to the ground, we do our best to work through it, to manage it or to shuffle around it the best that we can.

And sometimes we find that we didn’t heal all the way through. That there is a remnant of sadness, that gets left behind. You may move forward, you may feel “better” but then one day, in a breath, you find that the little piece of sadness has been with you all along.

In that moment it catches you off guard and takes your breath away. You may swirl back in time, to when the sadness occurred, or you may wonder what it is that remains, that needs your love and attention. You may feel a strong desire to run, to dig it another grave or to pretend that it never existed at all.

But the best thing you can do… is to sit with it. To make a cup of tea, give it some time and a voice. Let it say all that is has to say. There may be late night conversations or afternoon chats. There may be tears over dinner or sobbing in the bathtub. Once you can befriend the sadness, and only then, can you really heal it.

Let it be a tool, let it teach you more about yourself. Let it tell you about the tears and the struggles. Be tender and kind and gentle with you both. Write out what it is that the sadness says to you, write until you can’t. Sing it out, at the top of your lungs or in a small soft voice. Use the sadness so you can get to know YOU even better.

We are taught to “put on a happy face,” “to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps,” or to simply “move on.” But I think there’s more power in sitting with the sadness. Allowing ourselves to feel the pain, to learn all that we can from it and then to begin to sit with others in their sadness too.

It doesn’t mean getting stuck there. It’s sitting with the sadness, not in it. It’s not letting the sadness control everything or consume us. It simply means to meet the sadness where it is, to let it say all that it needs to say. So that then, and finally then, you can release it and fully move onto the other amazing things that lie ahead. Think of it as making a space for more. More love, more peace, and more life.

Leaving things undone and loving yourself there

May 30th, 2012
by Alicia Thiede.
8 comments
Untitled by Leanne Surfleet
Untitled, originally uploaded by Leanne Surfleet

The other night I took a halfway shower, it was late, and everyone else was asleep. I needed to take a warm shower to unwind. I had planned to do all of my “shower beauty” routine while I was in there. You know, shave my legs, and my underarms, exfoliate the dry skin on my feet and apply my weekly 5 minute deep conditioner.

When I got in the shower, I let the hot water run down my neck for a couple seconds, and then I made a rash decision. I was going to wash up quickly and go to bed. I was tired, my body wanted sleep more than it wanted sleek legs.

I washed up quickly, dried off and then stood in front of the tiny mirror as I applied jojoba all over my body. And in that moment I felt such great love and compassion for myself, for making the decision to be ok with taking a quick shower and deciding slumber was what I really needed.

It felt really good to let something go AND to be okay with it. It felt so good to love myself in that moment, for being me. While I stood there I felt such love for myself that I couldn’t help but take a moment and send some verbal love to my body. I stood in front of the mirror and proclaimed my love. “Breasts, I love you. Stretch marks across my belly, I love you. Round hips, I love you. Cellulite, I love you. Soft fuzzy legs, I love you. Unconditioned blonde hair, I love you.”

Please know that this has been a process for me. I wasn’t in a place to do this very thing a few short years ago. I was too busy striving and pushing and believing the lies about myself. And even now, I’m not always in this place of compassion and love. But I want you to know that it’s possible. Even when you leave things undone.

There are so many things that we “must” do everyday. Things that we measure our worth in. Things that we’ve been told determine who we are and if we’re enough.

The truth is, that you are enough. Right this second. Shaving your legs doesn’t make you enough. Deep conditioning doesn’t make you enough. Leaving dishes in the sink doesn’t make you enough. You can leave things undone and be enough. But even more than that… you can leave things undone and love yourself fully. Because if you can’t, no one else can love you undone either. And I find that that is when we’re are the most beautiful. Raw, undone, vulnerable and still whole.

The conveyor belt in my mind

May 24th, 2012
by Alicia Thiede.
No comments yet
laura's thinking by Paolo Margari
laura’s thinking, originally uploaded by Paolo Margari

One of my favorite TV shows as a kid, was Laverne & Shirley. I loved any show with strong quirky women and those two did not disappoint. I remember the theme song and the shot where they put a glove over the bottle on the conveyor belt. That glove didn’t belong there. The conveyor belt was just for the bottles. I often wondered if one of them got fired for putting it there.

I was reminded the other day that our minds are like that belt. There are a variety of things that travel on it all day. Some are simple things like what to wear, where to go, what needs to be done, what music to listen to. Others are a bit more complex, like what to feel, what to believe, what we value, what to build on and what is deep at our core.

There are so many things that go by on that belt, some tall and round, others bright and sparkly, some dull and faded. So many things whizzing by that we have to make some decisions. We have to decide what we want to pick up, what there’s room for on the belt, and what’s just crowding the things that do belong there. Some of the things that are there, we have no control over. They’re put there by other people or life changing events. But some, some are there by our choice and we get to decide what to do with each of them.

Picture your own conveyor belt, silver and shiny. What belongs there? What do you want to travel through past? And of all the things that are there which do you want to pick up? To bring into your life and to your day? Which ones are worth your time? Which things need to be healed? Which ones need to be released? Which things have gone round and round day after day and need to be thrown into the “rejected” heap?

Each of us goes through things. Each of us has bad things happen. Each of us has hurts. And each of us have things that are beautiful and should be celebrated. So much of it is up to us.

Some days, when the belt seems full of negative thoughts and all we see going round is the trash talk, we need to pick up just one thing and evaluate it. Look at it really hard and decide if it’s true, ask it questions and see it for what it really is. Is it something you really want to affirm? Have you watched it go by one too many times. Did someone else put it there and you continue to allow it in this space? See that can over there? You’re free to take just this one thought, this one thing and discard it. And in it’s place, you get to decide what goes on that silver shiny belt going round and round in your mind.

The amazing thing is once you start with one thing, you start to notice the others. You start keeping your eyes open for what the conveyor belt looks like as a whole and what it looks like in small segments. You start grabbing a thought here and there and pretty soon one whole section looks a lot more like the deepest you than the rest. And then it trickles out from there.

Sometimes you won’t be able to tackle much, you’ll have the strength for just one. Other times you’ll start with one and then realize you want to inspect more. That’s the beauty of it. It’s your belt. The whole thing is yours and yours alone. And you get to decide. But also, there’s no rush, if you miss one on the first time around you’ll see it again. It will come by and it might look a little different than the last time. Go slow or fast, it’s up to you.

And while you’re dealing with the tough things that go by, make sure you polish and shine the things that are there in love. Honor them. Respect them. Cherish them. I find if I do that, they multiply. Can you imagine what we could do with a whole lot of us girls? Girls with sparkly, shiny, true thoughts, circling ’round?

Aim high in steering

May 18th, 2012
by Alicia Thiede.
2 comments
Untitled by ofcloudlessclimbs
Untitled, originally uploaded by ofcloudlessclimbs

It has been more than 20 years since I took driver’s education class and began to learn to drive a car. But I still remember the things that I was taught there (most of them). I remember where I’m supposed to put my hands on the steering wheel, how to use my mirrors, and I remember the term “aim high in steering.”

If you’re not familiar with this, it means keeping your eyes focused on the road, but not specfically right in front of you. It means to look ahead, down the road, where you’re headed. Because where your eyes focus, that’s where you and whatever you’re driving go. Your eyes are already taking in what’s right in front of you, but they’re also focusing on what’s ahead.

Are you living your life that way? Looking at what where you want to go? Or are you focusing on the ground right in front of you?

Sometimes, I have a tendency to focus on what’s right in front of me. My eyes dart back and forth to the “crisis” that’s happening right here right now. The bill that is due today, the string of text messages that came through in the last two minutes, the laundry that is stacked up in the hall, the milk that just got spilled on the floor, and the blog post that is three weeks in the making.

Beautiful girl all of these things matter so much. They are a part of the day-to-day and that are woven into what makes up our whole life (and makes our life whole). But these things, they are not all that there is.

Look a bit further down the road. There will be children going to the prom, there will be empty hallways and more blog comments than you can imagine. Please just lift your eyes.

Peek ahead, to where you are going. Where do you want to be? What do your eyes land on down the road? Where do you want to steer your car? What obstacles do you need to be ready for and which of those are just pebbles in the road?

Pebbles that will pass by under your tires do not cause you to veer into the ditch. They are just pebbles. Maybe there is a Facebook status that just really doesn’t need your reply, maybe that email could get answered in the morning, maybe you can hand everyone a paper towel, get the milk cleaned up and move on. These are pebbles. If you look at each one as it comes right in front of you you may get overwhelmed by them, but if you lift your eyes, they will go past unnoticed.

There is so much begging for our attention. So much “should and could” every day. It’s so easy to get bogged down and overwhelmed. I know this. I know this in my core and even yet I forget and get overwhelmed with the pebbles but I’m making a conscious choice to see the pebbles for what they are, and to even overlook the ones that really don’t need my attention.

Where are you looking? Are you aiming high? Do you want to write a book? Look down the road and see yourself with a room full of people, listening to you read it. Do you want to be a retreat leader? Look down the road and see yourself surrounded by hungry women on a sunlit beach. Do you want a house full of babies? Look down the road and see your strong body making that final push as your first child enters the world. What we focus on grows and becomes a part of us.

The world is going to be different because you are in it. Keep your eyes lifted and your heart filled.

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