When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less & less important whether I am afraid.
The backdoor of my heart flew open yesterday.
A storm blew in & I sat, meditative pose, & let it rush over me.
I found a bruise on the back of my arm in the shower. I didn’t know it was there until I brushed over it. I vaguely remember one of the boys doing something while we were playing around on the floor.
15 years ago I would have known exactly how I got that bruise & why.
I remember the first time it happened. We were sitting at lunch, a group of us, I laughed loudly at a story one of my friends told, someone I grew up with, who also happened to be male. I felt a deep pinch under the table.
My boyfriend’s hand laying out his insecurities on my 13 year old leg.
Fingerprint bruises on the inside of my right thigh that evening.
There were more pinches to my arms & legs over the next four years. My head against a locker door once, in front of people. Too many incidents of this kind to recall, so many that have faded from my memory. The emotional & verbal abuse was even worst.
He was controlling,
jealous, a coward.
I was empty, tired &
Why did you stay with him?
I could rattle off reasons, the normal ones. I was young. I cared for him. I pitied him. I was “in (puppy) love.” I gave him my virginity. It wasn’t all bad all the time. I thought he’d change. He said he would every time there was conflict, a fight. He romanced me back with words & gestures. He was sensitive. He was a decent human being for the most part, to outsiders especially. He had lovable qualities (don’t we all?)
The way he was taught to love was misguided,
I thought I could fix that.
The story is long, but a record on repeat. The needle would skip & my hand would place it back at the beginning. The same album would play.
I was surrounded by loving friends & family & they tried so desperately to change the record, telling me that it was the same old song & dance but my ears were deaf to that.
After some time there weren’t any records left. He busted them all – the ones that held all my sacred sounds,
Eventually, secretly & inwardly I took all those pieces, the puzzle of who I was & what I really wanted out of this life & painstakingly began the process of gluing myself back together.
No loved one could have said anything to help this situation prior to this moment. I had to want it.
I had to take those steps.
My Courage & Strength sprung up, slow, & on the drums.
Reverence for my body, my precious, sacred body, a dizzy bass beat.
Compassion for the entire situation, a synthesizer mothering it all.
Tact, Grace & Kindness in my telling him to fuck off, the wail of the guitar.
The song of self-love & the love for life was Beauty & damn could she sing.
Here, after all these years, this is my Openness & my Gratitude for having a place to play my song.
I’m telling this story, laying down these roots here today because I know there so many women, especially young women that have been through this or that are going through it.
When I googled phrases like, “my boyfriend is controlling” – “my boyfriend hit me” – “my boyfriend is jealous” – I found nothing of substance on the first page.
If you stumbled upon this article because you are there…
Beautiful one, I want to say this to you:
You are worthy of a love so much better than this. This is your life. Your one & only life. Every second of it is so, so precious.
Don’t miss out on the life that’s waiting for you.
Maybe you just had a fight, he (or she) just got angry at you for going out with your friends or he thought you looked like a whore in that shirt or he didn’t like the way you looked at that guy in the department store.
The universe sent you here for a reason. Look around, dig deep here. Learn about yourself through our stories. There are so many woman here waiting to hold you up into the light of love.
Huddle up with friends & family that you trust. I know they’ve probably heard you say that you were going to leave him time & time again, but they love you. If they don’t take you seriously, find someone who will. If you are anything like I was, you’ve kept things about the relationship hidden from them because you are ashamed.
Forgive yourself & him. This will take some time but when you truly do, you’ll release all the fear, guilt, shame & blame that is destroying your spirit. Joy will seep in & it will be glorious. Trust me.
You know what you have to do. Start taking small steps. Rediscover your passions. Treat yourself with kindness & care. Be patient with yourself. Learn to truly LOVE YOURSELF. That last one, that’s going to be the clincher.
I highly recommend journaling through. Writing Down Your Soul by Janet Conner is a book I wish I would have had. It’ll be messy, but oh, it will help.
Maybe you need some tough (but loving) love?
Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. This is important. Sometimes things are too big to take care of by yourself. That’s okay.
In writing this, I feel like I made it all sound so easy but I assure you, it’s not. There will be skips in the record, especially in the beginning, big screeches & then it will come to a halt. This usually happens when you are alone…
Learn how to:
Fall in love with being alone,
As the years go by these skips will become less & less, smaller & smaller, sometimes they will show up in behavior patterns in other relationships. Sometimes there will be triggers, like that bruise I found in the shower yesterday, it’s okay to embrace them. It’s okay to talk about them…
but don’t let them define you.
You are so much more than what has happened to you.
Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are.