When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less & less important whether I am afraid.
Audre Lorde
.
The backdoor of my heart flew open yesterday.
A storm blew in & I sat, meditative pose, & let it rush over me.
I found a bruise on the back of my arm in the shower. I didn’t know it was there until I brushed over it. I vaguely remember one of the boys doing something while we were playing around on the floor.
15 years ago I would have known exactly how I got that bruise & why.
I remember the first time it happened. We were sitting at lunch, a group of us, I laughed loudly at a story one of my friends told, someone I grew up with, who also happened to be male. I felt a deep pinch under the table.
My boyfriend’s hand laying out his insecurities on my 13 year old leg.
Fingerprint bruises on the inside of my right thigh that evening.
There were more pinches to my arms & legs over the next four years. My head against a locker door once, in front of people. Too many incidents of this kind to recall, so many that have faded from my memory. The emotional & verbal abuse was even worst.
He was controlling,
jealous, a coward.
I was empty, tired &
living halfheartedly.
Why did you stay with him?
I could rattle off reasons, the normal ones. I was young. I cared for him. I pitied him. I was “in (puppy) love.” I gave him my virginity. It wasn’t all bad all the time. I thought he’d change. He said he would every time there was conflict, a fight. He romanced me back with words & gestures. He was sensitive. He was a decent human being for the most part, to outsiders especially. He had lovable qualities (don’t we all?)
The way he was taught to love was misguided,
I thought I could fix that.
The story is long, but a record on repeat. The needle would skip & my hand would place it back at the beginning. The same album would play.
I was surrounded by loving friends & family & they tried so desperately to change the record, telling me that it was the same old song & dance but my ears were deaf to that.
After some time there weren’t any records left. He busted them all – the ones that held all my sacred sounds,
my virtues.
Eventually, secretly & inwardly I took all those pieces, the puzzle of who I was & what I really wanted out of this life & painstakingly began the process of gluing myself back together.
No loved one could have said anything to help this situation prior to this moment. I had to want it.
I had to take those steps.
My Courage & Strength sprung up, slow, & on the drums.
Reverence for my body, my precious, sacred body, a dizzy bass beat.
Compassion for the entire situation, a synthesizer mothering it all.
Tact, Grace & Kindness in my telling him to fuck off, the wail of the guitar.
The song of self-love & the love for life was Beauty & damn could she sing.
Here, after all these years, this is my Openness & my Gratitude for having a place to play my song.
I’m telling this story, laying down these roots here today because I know there so many women, especially young women that have been through this or that are going through it.
When I googled phrases like, “my boyfriend is controlling” – “my boyfriend hit me” – “my boyfriend is jealous” – I found nothing of substance on the first page.
If you stumbled upon this article because you are there…
Beautiful one, I want to say this to you:
You are worthy of a love so much better than this. This is your life. Your one & only life. Every second of it is so, so precious.
Don’t miss out on the life that’s waiting for you.
Maybe you just had a fight, he (or she) just got angry at you for going out with your friends or he thought you looked like a whore in that shirt or he didn’t like the way you looked at that guy in the department store.
The universe sent you here for a reason. Look around, dig deep here. Learn about yourself through our stories. There are so many woman here waiting to hold you up into the light of love.
Huddle up with friends & family that you trust. I know they’ve probably heard you say that you were going to leave him time & time again, but they love you. If they don’t take you seriously, find someone who will. If you are anything like I was, you’ve kept things about the relationship hidden from them because you are ashamed.
Forgive yourself & him. This will take some time but when you truly do, you’ll release all the fear, guilt, shame & blame that is destroying your spirit. Joy will seep in & it will be glorious. Trust me.
You know what you have to do. Start taking small steps. Rediscover your passions. Treat yourself with kindness & care. Be patient with yourself. Learn to truly LOVE YOURSELF. That last one, that’s going to be the clincher.
I highly recommend journaling through. Writing Down Your Soul by Janet Conner is a book I wish I would have had. It’ll be messy, but oh, it will help.
Maybe you need some tough (but loving) love?
Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. This is important. Sometimes things are too big to take care of by yourself. That’s okay.
In writing this, I feel like I made it all sound so easy but I assure you, it’s not. There will be skips in the record, especially in the beginning, big screeches & then it will come to a halt. This usually happens when you are alone…
Learn how to:
Fall in love with being alone,
& rock this trip around the sun.
As the years go by these skips will become less & less, smaller & smaller, sometimes they will show up in behavior patterns in other relationships. Sometimes there will be triggers, like that bruise I found in the shower yesterday, it’s okay to embrace them. It’s okay to talk about them…
but don’t let them define you.
You are so much more than what has happened to you.
Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are.
Jo Blackwell-Preston
.
Amanda. My eyes go blurry with tears and I feel a rush of chills reading your story. Even as I try to find the right words to respond, I see you in your moments of pain and humiliation and my heart just goes weak.
Hugging you tight. I love you.
Daniel, your love is felt, deep, thank you brother, for seeing me. It really was a whole lot of humiliation, even now, after all these years & all the work that I’ve done to be okay with it, there’s still a tinge of that… that I don’t think will ever go away. I haven’t revisited this this deeply for a long time & it was healing to write. Loving you so. xox
I’m sitting in the library right now at school trying to hold back the tears. Thank you for sharing this personal intimate story with us. I hurt knowing you went through all that, but then I smile and sit proud seeing you shine like this today.
I saw myself here. I saw a younger Dyamond in pain that is still buried within and I let her hear these words. I know she heard them. I can feel it. I feel like she’s saying she’s ready to move on. To take the steps to forgive.
So many people regardless of their gender need to hear this message.
I really needed to hear it.
I love you so much. Thank you.
I’m hugging you & young Dyamond, so hard. Thank you for your light, love & support, always love. Forgiving both him & I for this was the biggest step in my healing, it didn’t come for a few years after but after I did it, I felt so free of it all.
I love you, so, so much. <3 xox
Oh, yes. I was there. I lived that, in my way. In his, really, because I didn’t have anything left of ‘me’ to live a life with.
Leaving him was hard. Healing has been hard. It’s worth every moment of terror, every worry about how I’m ever going to make it on my own.
My life now. Mine.
Your life indeed. Yes, yes, yes. I remember what it felt like at first not to have to answer to anyone. To talk to whomever I wanted, to wear whatever I wanted & go whatever I wanted – that feeling of freedom was so intense. There’s a lot of detail that I obviously couldn’t write all out here but… it wasn’t easy to leave, the universe played in my favor though & I thank her.
Hugging you Kate, thank you for sharing a bit of your story here today, your strength. <3
You are such a brave woman for telling the world this.
And I am sure it will make a difference somewhere in someones home.
Thank you love, it was hard to share but I knew I had to, if only to help one person. <3
“Reverence for my body, my precious, sacred body, a dizzy bass beat.”
Just love for you.
Love you Hannah. <3
<3
<3
Hi Amanda-
You’re right I did need to hear it, and hear it tonight. After ten years in a controlling and abusive relationship I left. I left in February, went back in April, left again in May when the ultimatum was given that I quit going to the place that brought me value and much need rest, my job.
Although I relish the solitude and freedom, it is hard. I feel like a piece of my heart has been shattered. My family torn apart. Trying to make it on 1/4 of my previous income is hard. But the peace, I get to experienve everyday when I walk in the door from work to my abuse free house, is priceless.
The reason I say I needed to hear it tonight, is for the last week my ex has been contacting me about bills and the kids. I was supposed to meet him at a local diner tonight. On my way there he sent a text message saying he couldn’t do it, that he could not stand to see me. He said was to bitter to deal with me right now, over how I have treated him the last few months. I actually felt bad, that my leaving was the reason we cannot communicate about our kids, our bills…then I realized, I left because of how he treats me. Everything is still the same, it was my fault according to him. Everything is my fault. In this case I will accept the blame for changing my life, the blame for escaping daily bouts of abuse.
Your post made me realize that even though I ache for memories of our good times, the reality is I simply cannot go back to the days that were filled with bile. It breaks my heart even more to say, I am glad I am not alone. That someone understands the stages, the confusion, the fear. It gives me strength to hear about your happiness now. Thank you for sharing this, it has made me feel so better tonight.
Stephanie, sitting here with tears in my eyes, like it was yesterday that I was feeling what you are right now. How hurt your heart is.
I was young, there were no kids or expenses involved & when I wrote this, I thought about that heavily, how “lucky” I was to experience this at a young age because it gets so much more complicated as the years go on – I am so glad this helped you today.
Don’t you let him make you feel that it was your fault, abusers are so good at doing that, manipulating the situation like that. It may be hard now, especially with the kids, but you did the right thing, for both you & them.
Sending you so much love, strength — skies & skies full.
This is both heartbreaking and beautiful. Something we should all read and share so that the ones who need to read it will… even if they haven’t told anyone or haven’t recognized it themselves. Thank you for your heart.
Thank you so much Tina, I agree, I don’t think it’s talked about enough. It really is an epidemic. Thank you so much for sharing. Loving you xox <3
Thank you for sharing. <3
Thank you for reading love <3
Dear Amanda,
If only everyone were brave enough to admit this, to write it down… to share it. The hardest part for me was wondering where I’d go to, from there. It was all tied up with work aswell, you see, and that’s nasty when you’re just 17.
But you survived and so did I…
Thanks for sharing and making me remember how grateful I am to be the me I am now! xoxoxo
Hugging you, thinking of our 17 year old selves, loving them. Yes, I am so grateful to have not let it go on any longer. I almost married him. I was engaged to him (twice) – very on & off we were, like I’m guessing most relationships of this kind are.
Here’s to courage & love, thank you for reading! <3
I’m so relieved to read this when I woke up. I just left a very abusive relationship yesterday. I’ve put up with it all ( many forms of abuse) for 35 years. It was my parents though, not a boyfriend or spouse. In choosing to do so, I lose all my family. It was making me physically ill to tolerate it anymore. Thank you for reminding us we are worth it!
You are worth it Amy, wishing you so much strength & love through these days. Comment here anytime you need to spill your feelings & thoughts. I’ll be checking. Sending you so much love. <3
Thank you for sharing your story. With your permission I would like to share it with middle and high school girls for a workshop led by my daughters Girl Scout Troop, called “Choose Respect” http://www.cdc.gov/chooserespect/ I will omit a little language for the audience, : ) Your moving story is a perfect fit with the message of the workshop.
I have also used Janet Conners’ book with teens. A great recommendation.
Thank you for your honesty and courage.
Namaste
Eileen, oh I am so honored that you want to share my story, please, please do. A big Yes to omitting the language, apologies for that, I’m a little bit of a potty mouth
The facts on your site gave me goosebumps, I am going to post them below for others to see. Thank you so much for doing what you do, the world is better for it. Sending love & light.
Dating Violence Facts
* About one in 11 teens reports being a victim of physical dating violence each year.1
* About one in four teens reports verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual violence each year.2,3
* About one in five high school girls has been physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.4
Such a powerful and vulnerable piece. It is so hard to hear every story when people share their past abuse, but find it truly hopeful and inspiring to see how people can come from that and find the path to self love and empowerment. Thank you kindly for sharing your voice and story.
Thank you so much for your support & love Kendra, it is so hard to hear, breaks my heart. I learned so much about myself because of it… & I can only hope that others find & choose that path. Loving you! <3
♥ ♥ ♥
Because I do.
Thankyou Amanda for posting this. I’ve been in a bad relationship and the best thing I did was walk, you are a truly amazing person and I love your website. To anyone who has been or is still in this type of relationship, done ever feel like you are alone, like you have to stay, the hardest step is the first one. We can do it together. Love to all <3
Thank you love & you are so right, the first step is the hardest.
Love to you, so much. <3
I left an abusive relationship over 30 years ago. I tell my story to women, young and old, and hope by telling my story that someone will find courage to leave.
Big hug to you for sharing,
Deborah
Our stories are so powerful, thank you for using your darkness to spread light, Deborah. Big love to you. <3
This was so brave and beautiful and generous. Thank you for putting it out there for all the people who need to hear it (now and in the future).
<3
Thank you Alexis, sending love. <3
My reasons for staying were almost identical to yours but add in “he has so much potential”. I don’t know how often I said that. And then I stopped saying anything because everyone had an opinion.
It took me a very long time to put back the pieces of me. I suspect it was because I didn’t leave, he did, while I was 8 months pregnant he left the country with someone he met on the internet who earned more money than I did.
Biggest favour he ever did for me and my son. But it took such a ling time to figure out who I was, and where that girl with spirit that I use to be was. All of it was a lesson I needed to learn, I was a slow learner!
The telling of our stories I have found helps people. No judging, or telling them to leave, but telling our story, so they know that they aren’t alone. And they aren’t the only person that has felt this way or lived this.
Thank you for sharing. You have made a difference for someone.
Thank you Natasha, I was a late bloomer too. It was hard to talk about to anyone, because they heard it all again & again, yet I kept going back. After awhile, the shame seals your lips & you live with it in your own way & alone.
I agree, stories are important, they help so much. Had the internet been thriving during my time with this it would have been so amazing to find support from people that knew.
Sending love to you, so glad to hear that you & your son are safe & living with love. <3
“Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are.”
I think these are very powerful words for anyone to hear, really. We are all worthy of being surrounded by people who celebrate us for who we are and lift us up, who empower and support us to be our best selves and who can remind us who that is on the days when maybe we forget just a little and can’t see how beautiful, strong and special we are.
I’m writing this down, because it’s important.
Lelainia, I thought that quote was so powerful too & I agree, for anyone. Thank you so much for reading. Sending love. <3
Amanda, I felt like I was reading my own story. Thank you for sharing this with us all. It always helps when you know you are not the only one. xxx
What a powerful piece of writing… I recently helped a woman ROAR! her way to freedom, and this article is a beautiful follow up!!! What an amazing way you have with words, so tender, so personal, and yet, so very powerful and IMPORTANT, you will change lives because of this piece!!! Thank you for your bravery!
Oh, and if alright I’d like to share it on my FB ROAR! page?
Amanda, I subscribed to Roots of She a few months ago and as soon as I saw the title of this piece, I knew I had to read it. I recently went through something very similar. Though it was not physical abuse, it was emotional and verbal, and I have to tell you that every single time I feel an intense moment of weakness, I read this. It’s saved in my bookmarks. I know how shameful and hard it is to tell a story like this, so thank you so much for being brave and raw and putting your self out there, because this story has helped me and has been a source of guidance in the long journey I have ahead of me. Thank you for being a fighter for all the women (and men) out there who share this pain with you. I’m so happy you’ve found your own peace. <3