A sobering story: The darker days of value play

Get in Line by Danette Relic
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It can be confusing for the self-aware soul who knows what her core values are but finds herself dishonouring them again and again.

Hey you. You self-aware crackerjack person you. You know what is important to you and still sometimes you find yourself behaving as though you don’t care about it at all. If this happens to you, I can relate. I set my intention to honour my values and over and over again I steamroll right past those intentions with what looks like rebellion. Why do I keep doing that? I ask myself.

Or, on darker days:

There I go again. I’m a total hypocrite. I keep saying how important it is for me to be (gossip-free, eating healthy, balanced) but then I go ahead and (bitch about my co-workers, binge on cinnamon buns, take on more social commitments when I’m already burnt out). What’s wrong with me? I must secretly hate myself and be sabotaging my happiness….

Honey. I know those darker days. Me and darker days, we’re old drinking buddies.

Drinking with One of My Core Values: A Personal Story

My ex-partner drank a lot. When I say a lot, let’s just say, way more than I wanted to. But I would drink with him, and try to keep up.

When I began my coaching training and really digging into growth work with my own coach, I began to articulate my core values: the truly important components of what makes life fulfilling for me. I got very clear about what kind of vitality I wanted to experience. I loved how alive I felt when I stayed away from wheat and didn’t drink beer until my judgement melted into giggles. I saw what this feeling of aliveness brought to my creativity, my spirit, my joy of being in my body. It was a no-brainer.

But over and over again, my partner would open a bottle and I’d drink from it. Someone didn’t want to be the only one ordering dessert and I saddled up with an empty plate, even though my belly was beyond full and my wallet close to empty.

In the morning, I had a spiritual hangover that coffee and painkillers couldn’t touch. And my poor confused self-awareness pixies were fluttering about, dizzy in the haze of booze and processed sugars, wondering what hit them.

Enter the voices of darker days.

Repeat.

Oh, and just for fun, throw this cherry on top: What kind of life coach are you?

I’ve swallowed many of those cherries. Think, Witches of Eastwick.

Ew.

What Kind of Life Coach Am I? Great Question.

I’m the kind who is human, for starters. Flawed, hard on herself, gorgeously human.

So when you hire me, don’t be afraid to tell me about your own darker day voices. I’ve known many. I’m keeping this post G-rated, but just know that I won’t be shocked at how hard you are on yourself, and I certainly will not judge you.

Secondly, I’m the kind of life coach who is curious. Who knows that everything is a choice. Who, once I’m bored of beating myself up will ask, so what’s going on?

The way you phrase a question can make all the difference. Ask not, “why do I keep doing this to myself?” (bound to get you some self-loathing answers) and instead, ask:

By dishonouring my value of ____________, what value am I choosing to honour instead?

Another way of finding out is to take a look at the behaviour (in my case, drinking and eating to keep up with others) and ask what am I getting out of this?

There will always be something. Can you guess what mine was?

Bring the Power Back into Your Choices

There is great power in how we choose to tell a story. Changing the story to one where you are prioritizing a different value takes the power back from the situation and puts you in the seat of conscious choice. From there, new horizons open up. At the very least, you can understand what you are choosing and love yourself for choosing it. The more love we can give ourselves, the better.

What value was I honouring when I joined in unwanted drinking and dessert eating?

Connection. It’s huge. I want to be connected to others in conversation and shared experience. I want to be on the same wavelength. So when I’m in a small circle and everyone is sharing wine and laughter, I took a sip of that communal bottle. Is drinking and eating crap that makes me sick the best way to connect with others? Of course not. But first things first.

Understanding this about myself really let me know how important connection is for me. It brought a sense of empowerment back into moments where I get to make those choices again. And it helped me to relax about it, and most importantly, show myself some compassion.

From the place of compassion is where I am able to make better choices. I can then inquire about how I can honour my value of vitality as well as my value of connection more often. And should I decide to spend a night drinking wine and laughing with friends, I can plan ahead. I can enjoy connecting with my friends without judging myself the whole time. Being at choice makes a world of difference to how present I can be while enjoying the choices I’ve made.