And now: it is easy to forget
what I came for
among so many who have always
swaying their crenellated fans
between the reefs
you breathe differently down here.
I came to explore the wreck.
The words are purposes.
The words are maps.
I came to see the damage that was done
and the treasures that prevail.
(from Diving into the Wreck)
I wasn’t going to write it all out, my 2012 in review, because there were so many tough spots. I wanted to just slam the door on it all and leave it behind for when the clock strikes midnight tonight. I wanted a new year, a fresh start, a new beginning, all that jazz.
But there is so much power in looking back on pieces of your journey, seeing exactly how far you’ve come on the road map that is your life. The twists and turns, the places you’ve rested at and the places you’ve had to turn back at and start over.
I wasn’t going to write it all out, but right now I want to celebrate the journey, release the things I’m ready to let go of and revel in this beautiful messy life.
Art by Studio Flower Power
This was the year that I stopped playing tug-of-war: I left my day job, resigned and flashed a peace sign as I walked out. I was angry and hurt and felt so betrayed, but underneath it all was an overwhelming sense of relief and freedom. The environment was toxic and there was no way the situation would resolve itself in a positive or semi-positive or even pseudo-positive manner, so I took my out, trusting in my bones that it was the right decision for me. (I still know this to be true and Truth.)
2012 was the year that I listened to my heart and started working one-on-one with women. I started coaching in March and oh how I love it. I love working with women, helping them open up into their Truths. I love the aha! moments, the time where we slow down and get centered, when we sing out our affirmations because sometimes you just have to sing. I love the butterflies and nerves I get before every call, the breath that gets caught up in my throat when I stop and remember that Yes, I’m really doing this, the humble heart I have after each call. I love that it’s not easy. This was the year that I test drove small group coaching and a one-off type of mentorship and knew to my core that this is what I’m meant to do.
This was the year that I shared two offerings – Breathe Peace and Metta in Mantras – and retired one to make way for something new in 2013. I launched four beautiful tribes of writers to share their stories with you and with me. After a call with a dear sister, I decided to change the way RoS looks, clearing out what was and has been to make way for what is and will come.
It was the year where I started to live in accordance with how I wanted to feel. It was the year that I opened up about what it’s like (for me) to live with an auto-immune disease and fought fiercely for my health, finally finding an endocrinologist that listened and cared and supported me. I wanted to feel better, stronger, happier. I wanted to be healthy.
This was the year that I worked with two really incredible coaches who helped me work through so much crap, who pushed me to look closer, dig deeper, and didn’t let me bullshit my way through things. As a result I have a clear vision of how I want to live my life: in service, and how I want to feel: happy. Sitting inside a beautiful house, playing with the cutest dog ever, talking with my coach, I realized that the most important thing is to be happy, and that one thought felt revolutionary: It’s important for me to be happy.
2012 was the year that I did things that made me feel more like me: switched out my nose stud for a nose ring, ate messy tacos like they were going out of style, listened to chimes sing and watched the sky change colors from my windows, lived in cozy pants as much as possible because cozy is the name of my game, read trashy novels, spent so many afternoons at the beach because the sun felt warm on my skin, swooned over kittens, burned nag champa, wore patchouli and the meditation oil I love (although never together, oh my!). It was the year I bought my first hoop and I’m falling in love with everything about it and how hooping makes me feel.
It was the year where I put away my scale because no number can define my worth – not on a scale, not a dollar amount. It’s the year I focused on how I felt in my skin, how my body felt. It was the year that I said Ok I can fit in a size 8, but I feel more at ease in a size 10. It was the year I focused on ease rather than image.
This was the year that I really realized how vital the words I am enough are to me and began to ruthlessly remove anything that caused me to feel less than: people, things, places, clothes, ideas, ideals. It was the year I decided to get those words tattooed on my skin as a constant reminder that I am always enough.
It’s the year I gathered women around me that made me feel stronger, that lit me up, that helped me see and embrace and remember my beauty and power. It’s when I made new connections with women who are helping me grow into the woman I want to be, and it’s grateful I am for each of them.